Saturday, July 15, 2017

7/15/17 In a world full of struggles, the days of pure joy are God telling us to hang in there...for joy can be just around the corner

Dear family and friends,

Since I last wrote, I have experienced a tremendous amount of joy.  Overwhelming joy.  Like the joy one gets when standing on the top of Mt. Rainier after a long, arduous climb.  Or the joy of holding a newborn baby after months of discomfort and hours of hard labor.  Forget that I’ve remained in chemo.  Forget the upset stomach, shots in the belly, constipation, and fatigue.  All I will remember from the past month is the pure JOY of life and love.

The first joyous experience was a weeklong trip to Cannon Beach with Steve, Renee, and Daniel.  We have been taking the kids to Cannon Beach most every summer since they were babies.  But this trip was especially poignant, as it was our last trip as a family of four—taken just one week before Renee’s wedding!  I love the ocean, for it speaks to me of God’s power, presence, grandeur, and peace, and reminds me that like the continuous waves, one after another, His love for us endures forever.

We walked and napped on the beach, hiked forested trails with peek-a-boo ocean views, ate cheese, ice cream, and fudge in Tillamook, visited the Jacobsen Salt Company in Netarts Bay for sea salt caramels, ate the best oysters of our lives at Pacific Oyster in Bay City, discovered empty beaches full of sand dollars, starfish, and anemone-filled tide pools, and we ate ocean fresh halibut and chips and our weight in pepperoni slices from Pizza a Feta.  At night, we played mini golf, basketball, carpet ball, and our favorite new board game, Ticket to Ride.  I thanked God often during this week for the gift of our loving and close family.  Steve, Renee, and Daniel—your love is a priceless gift that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. 

Rested and refreshed from our time at the beach, we took deep breaths and entered the wild ride of wedding week!  We hosted the rehearsal dinner in our backyard, and a great time was had by all.  Then on Saturday, we laughed, cried, and smiled until we thought our cheeks would break as we watched the two most beautiful brides—Renee and Riley—commit their lives and love to one another for as long as they both shall live.  I was honored to read the Scripture at the wedding—words that were all about love in 1 John 4:7-12.  The wedding was beautiful, meaningful, and worshipful.  And then the party began at the Edmonds Yacht Club!  We ate delicious Mediterranean food, wrote “candy bar stories” about the girls in our table groups, listened to four of the most heartfelt toasts, ate three kinds of Simply Desserts cake, put temporary tattoos on our arms, and danced the night away, with a sparkler send-off for the brides.  Oh, and I guess I should mention that Daniel and I surprised the girls with our choreographed dance to the song, “Say a Little Prayer for You,” which received a standing ovation!  Steve and I remarked to one another a few days later, as we visited Mt. Rainier for a relaxing day in nature, that the wedding was one of the top five happiest days of our lives.  One we will never forget—and neither, of course, will Renee and Riley!

Before and after the wedding, I have been giving a lot of thought to what it means to love your spouse ‘til death do you part.  At Cannon Beach I finished a book called “When Breath Becomes Air,” by Paul Kalanithi.  He was a neurosurgery chief resident who got lung cancer in his sixth year of residency and died just months after his first child was born.  In the book he included a quote from C.S. Lewis’ book, “A Grief Observed,” written after Lewis’ own wife died of cancer.  Here is the quote:  Bereavement is not the truncation of married love but one of its regular phases—like the honeymoon. What we want is to live our marriage well and faithfully through that phase too. If it hurts (and it certainly will) we accept the pains as a necessary part of this phase.”

Living with cancer, I think often about how married love for Steve and me (and for all of you reading this who plan to stay married for life) will one day mean entering the phase of bereavement.  Lewis accepted the tremendous pain of bereavement as the toll, or “tax” one has to pay for loving one’s spouse so well.  If you choose to skip the joy of loving your spouse so long and so well, you could avoid the tremendous pain that bereavement will one day bring.  But think what you would have missed along life’s way.  So much love.  So much joy.  Faithful friendship, romance, companionship, adventure.  The pain of bereavement will be terrible indeed, but Steve and I agree that it is definitely a price worth paying.

And while going through the years of grief and bereavement, how does one “live our marriage well and faithfully?”  How do we honor the relationship, the loss of which we now mourn?  I have been thinking about that and believe that we honor it best by first letting ourselves feel the pain deeply, to the very core of our being.  We must cry all those tears, feel the pit in one’s stomach, ache with loneliness as we recognize, like Lewis did, that “her absence is like the sky—it covers everything,” and that grief is like an amputation—you may learn to get around one day on crutches, or with a prosthetic leg, but you never again forget that you are no longer a biped.  But also, while feeling and expressing that sadness to the fullest, you pay your spouse the highest compliment--honoring the marriage the two of you had--by continuing on with the parts of life you enjoyed most together.  Head to the mountains and hike!  Jump in a lake on a hot day!  Travel!  Snorkel!  Explore tidepools!  Eat amazing food!  Try your hardest to beat everybody on game night!  Crack up at Frasier re-runs!  Go boating!  Pick blackberries and bake a pie!  Surround yourself with family and friends to celebrate life’s many milestone moments!  And never forget that you were one of the most blessed people on earth—to have loved, and been loved, so very deeply. 

In conclusion, please pray for us as we approach my PET scan on July 20.  We won’t get the results until July 24th, and will update you in our August blog post.  And please enjoy some joy and love-filled photos below!

Love,

Gabrielle

Daniel and me on Oregon Coast!

Two dwarf bunnies we fell in love with and adopted in Seaside, Oregon!

Kids and me about to hike at Ecola State Park!

Jericho enjoying Edmonds Water Park!

Rehearsal Dinner in our backyard!

Steve and Renee practicing their walk down the aisle!

My new daughter-in-law--Riley Dudley!

Rehearsing at Phinney Ridge Lutheran Church!

Steve and me hiking at Mt. Rainier!
Renee and Riley at sunset in Edmonds!
Daniel and his girlfriend, Adrienne, at wedding reception!
The Dudleys!
Beautiful brides!
Brides and Jericho, the ring bearer--wearing his more comfy shirt and sandals after the wedding is over!

Daniel and me enjoying Yayoi Kusama exhibit at Seattle Art Museum!







Tuesday, June 20, 2017

6/20/17 Jesus Help Me

Dear friends and family,

Have you ever felt so sick, or so in despair, that you couldn’t pray for yourself, not to mention for all the others on your prayer list?  Well that’s how these last two weeks have been for me.  “Jesus help me,” three little, but powerful words, were all I could utter on many days. 

I completed chemo number two of my fourth, three-week-in-a-row chemo cycle, a little over two weeks ago.  And the day after those drugs went into my veins, plunging my immune system to dangerously low levels, I became quite ill with some combination of viral and bacterial infections.  Sore throat, sinus infection, sneezing, coughing, fever, vomiting, laryngitis—you name it, I had it—with daily nosebleeds thrown in just for fun, as a result of my low platelets.  As someone who normally walks four miles a day, it was very difficult to be housebound, and indeed, glued to the couch with a plethora of tissues, tea, and medicines all around me, day after day, while I lay there with no energy at all.  Needless to say, they ended up cancelling the final chemo in cycle four, as it would have made me sicker and probably sent me to the hospital.

I found on many of these days that I was so sick and discouraged that I couldn’t find the words to pray for healing for myself or my other friends who are dealing with serious health issues.  So I would offer up those three words I could muster—“Jesus, help me,” followed by five more words before collapsing back into my cocoon of illness—“Jesus, help everybody else too!” 

The Bible says that when we are weak, or don’t know how to pray for ourselves or others, God does it for us.  In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.  And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” Romans 8:26-27

What a comfort it is to know that the God of the universe prays for me--and for you--when we can’t find the strength or the words.  And though many of us have a love/hate relationship with Facebook, it was a comfort to me throughout my most recent illness each time someone on Facebook told me they were praying for me.  I knew I was in good hands with my Facebook friends praying for me, my family praying for me, my Bible study friends praying for me, the God of the universe praying for me, and even my beloved Aunt Julianne, the last person on earth you’d think would pray—having finally capitulated to pray for me (and when she does, God responds with weather…thunder, lightening, torrents of rain)! I tell her He has to find some way to let her know how happy He is to hear from her!

I am slowly recovering, day-by-day, and was able to walk again yesterday for 45 minutes along the flat route at Alki Beach.  Oh how glorious it was to be outside, along the water, moving my body without feeling as though I was about to pass out!  My chemo break is to continue until July 3, when we will resume with the start of cycle five.  And one week of this blessed chemo break will be spent at Cannon Beach, Oregon, where I will be both physically and spiritually refreshed at the Cannon Beach Christian Conference Center family camp week.  After that week of walks, naps, pizza, games, and reading good books on the beach, I should be fit and ready to resume chemo, and five days after, to celebrate Renee and Riley’s wedding day! 

I want to close by encouraging those of you who hit bottom sometimes, either physically, spiritually, or emotionally, and who find it hard to pray during those times.  Maybe you are in this place right now.  Please try two things.  First, text me, or any combination of friends, and let us know you need prayer.  Next, just utter those three little words, “Jesus help me,” then rest and wait as the God who made you and loves you, as well as all the rest of us who love you, take it from there.  You will be in good hands.

Love,
Gabrielle

P.S.  Congratulations to Daniel, who completed his third year of medical school at the University of Washington last week!  One more year to go!  
Jericho loves baths with his sea animals, and can name every sea creature in the tub!

Nothing like resting in the sunshine on the back of our boat while Steve drives!

Look who's learning to ride a bike?!

We decorated cupcakes with sour gummy "J's" from Trader Joes and candy "3's" from Michaels to celebrate Jericho turning three at the end of May!

Jericho loves DJ and his girlfriend, Adrienne!

Riley gives Jericho his haircuts in our kitchen, then Jericho loves to vacuum up the mess!








Sunday, May 7, 2017

5/7/17 Happy May Thoughts

May 6, 2017

Dear Family and Friends,

It’s a sunny Saturday here at Casa Shoreline.  Daniel is napping, Steve is at work, and I have a few quiet moments to get out a quick blog post.  What follows are a few random thoughts from the past week.  For those of you who are more linear, and like a thesis sentence, followed by defense of said thesis and a snappy conclusion, you better stop reading right now, for these are truly random bits of news and thoughts!

·   On Monday when I had my CA125 ovarian cancer tumor marker tested, it had dropped to 32!  So after just six treatments with the new double chemo regimen, the marker dropped from 166 to 32!  The normal range is 0 to 35.  I am still a bit stunned at this amazing news!  Thanks be to God, and thanks to all of you who pray for our family so faithfully.  I will continue with chemo for the time being, but a scan will be scheduled in the not too distant future to determine when I can take a much-needed chemo break!

·   I finally gave up blow-drying three or four wisps of hair each day and asked Riley to shave it all off!   We did this with Jericho present so that he wouldn’t be shocked when his Ga Ga suddenly appeared before him looking like a naked mole-rat.  But more importantly, one of Jericho’s favorite pastimes is vacuuming (“More dirt! More dirt!”), so I knew he would be filled with delight to vacuum up the last remnants of his Ga Ga’s brown hair.  And he was!

·   Within one day of shaving my head, I was told my parking fee was “on the house” at a frequently used parking garage (sweet), and two people mistook my gender (figures).  The first to err was a woman who looked right at me as I waited in line until she said, “Sir, I can help you now.”  Oops.  And the other was my soon to be five-year-old across the driveway neighbor, Marina.  When stopping to chat, she asked me what my name was and where I lived.  I said, “Marina, it’s me—Gabrielle—your neighbor.  I live right there.” (Picture my finger pointing at my house).  She replied, “Oh.  I thought you were a boy.”  Reasonable supposition.  Unfortunately, what did NOT happen within one day of shaving my head was that I was NOT offered two samples when Steve and I stopped by See’s Chocolates at Northgate.  I thought for sure the bald head would clinch that deal.  Rats!

·   Today, my two aunts showed up at our door for a shopping day at Alderwood Mall with Daniel and me.  One of my aunts had said “We need Daniel to help us pick out dresses to wear to Renee and Riley’s wedding,” so I had eagerly reserved this day on Daniel’s and my schedules accordingly.  As we chatted a bit before heading out, one aunt said, “I’m not buying anything today, I’m just along for the fun.”  Then the other aunt said, “I don’t need a dress either, but it will be fun to help you pick a dress, and I might need a t-shirt.”  To which I replied, “I already got my dress online.  So…wait a minute.  If you don’t need a dress (finger pointing at aunt number one), and you don’t need a dress (finger moving to aunt number two), and I’ve got my dress, then what are we all doing here?!  A laugh ensued and off we all went to Alderwood Mall anyway, where we bought Jericho his adorable ring bearer outfit and enjoyed a nice lunch out. 

·   Yesterday was such a precious day.  I didn’t mind one bit that it was finally sunny out while I was indoors all day, because I got to spend the day with my beautiful daughter, Renee, watching her try on wedding dresses!  Words can’t describe how it feels to a Mom to see her little baby girl all grown up and ready to marry the love of her life.  She looked incredible in every dress she tried on, but after visiting four bridal shops, we both knew without a doubt which dress was to be “her dress.”  Can you guess which one it was?  The most expensive one we tried, of course!  LOL.  Thank goodness I’m the one who pays the Visa bill each month to spare Steve from keeling over! 

·   For Cinco de Mayo yesterday, we had cinco cool guys from Daniel’s old 4th Hill Dorm at SPU reunited around our dining table, along with one new and fabulous girlfriend, for Daniel’s delicious beef barbacoa tacos, Elliot’s ten-avocado guacamole, and Kenneth’s hand-shaken, agave sweetened margaritas.  How great is that?!

·   Lastly, in my Bible study we have been studying the New Testament book of 1 John.  A couple of verses have stood out to me as our family has spent a lot of time, leading up to the wedding, discussing people who seem to love everyone, and those who hate, and people who accept those who are different from them, and those who are blinded by bigotry.  In this short book of the Bible we read “But whoever hates his brother is in darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.” 1 John 1:11  In an effort to have compassion on those who hate, and those who are bigots, I am trying to see them, as this verse describes, as being blinded by darkness.  Their beliefs and cruelty of words and/or deeds are things they have been wrongly taught, and which continue through an unrecognized ignorance that prevents understanding.  They are walking around in darkness, and I hope, one day, will find light.  If you read 1 John you will see numerous verses imploring us to love one another.  “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.”  1 John 4:7  It’s really as simple as that.  Thanks to all of you, and especially to Steve, Renee, and Daniel, who have taught me, and modeled for me, how to love, and extend light and grace toward all. 

Love,

Gabrielle

Daniel and I took Jericho to the Easter Eggstravaganza at our church.  A great time was had by all!

Steve, his Mom, Abby, and my Sister-in-Law, Tania, enjoyed a day together seeing the tulips!

Renee and me during our Girls' Weekend at Cannon Beach! Beach walks, long talks, pepperoni pizza, Scrabble, magazines, and lying in bed watching movies while eating the full fat popcorn.  Priceless!

Steve, Daniel, and I enjoyed a day-trip to Whidbey Island for our favorite hike at Ebey's Landing and the most delicious Penn Cove mussels at Christopher's Restaurant!

This is not the dress we picked.  Oh no.  It didn't cost enough for us to have picked it!  :-)