4/6/13 Marking time

Steve

Hi, friends.  Thought I would put in my two cent’s worth as it has been a while.  I have been so blessed by the depth and reflections of the other contributors to this page, that I have felt somewhat unnecessary in keeping the information stream flowing.  Today’s post is about marking time.  From very early on in this journey, I had to tell myself that at some point, this horrendous pattern of weekly chemotherapy sessions will indeed end.

 Sometimes it is nice to have something tangible to mark the passing of the sessions or the days.  I may have mentioned before about the paper chain the kids have made.  I am happy to report that it is getting markedly shorter.  Here is a picture of it, draped along the banister: 

When we started this whole process, it was not only draped around the bottom rail, but was dragging on the floor.  We are now more than half way to the top, which is very exciting.

Then there’s me with my little project:  macramé and beads.  Gabrielle mentioned my fondness for the bead shop.  She makes it sound as if I am such a regular customer there that, just as in the old T.V. show, Cheers, everyone knows my name.  Not quite…there still are a couple of clerks who don’t know me.  But, I will say that I do indeed know the drill when I go in and zero in on the beads that catch my fancy.  I decided to make some macramé ropes (though we and my people “in the know” refer to it as sennet…that’s the plaited product) with some beads interspersed along the way by which I can count down till the sessions are all done.  Here are three that I have done:

The one with the wood and black beads is my first attempt.  I attach it to my key ring.  My Catholic friends think it's a rosary.  Fine.  Whatever works.  It is made of some sort of tropical wooden bead to represent the dual chemo sessions and then black onyx beads to represent the single chemo sessions.  I really wanted yew wood for the wooden beads, but got stymied in my hunt for it.  In between each bead, there are seven knots…one for each day.  I quickly lost track of where we were, so added the little black piece at the top.  It is now next to the eleventh bead and is held on with a little gold heart-shaped clip (only $1.25 at my bead shop!).  Every Friday, I advance it one more bead.  Pretty cool, huh?

 Daniel’s necklace is the one with the pink and the black pieces in the middle.  These are made of red and black coral.  I know, there may be some dissenters out there who worry that I may be ruining the reef, what with diminishing coral supplies and all.  But, get this:  last time we were in Hawaii, I stumbled across a beach with this huge sign that said “KAPU” and waded in.  I was surrounded by these massive forests of lovely pink and black coral and started snapping them off right and left.  I figured “KAPU” meant “Keep Any Pieces U-pickup, Brudda!”, the “B” being broken off or scratched out by an annoying tourist who can’t respect the privacy and local customs of the Hawaiian people.  There was a rather irate park ranger standing on the beach when I got out, about as big as the famed Hawaiian singer, Iz.  He explained that Kapu meant “Stay out!”.  Sheesh!  Now he tells me!  I am scheduled to be arraigned soon, so I guess I will be “marking time” of my own from my very own jail cell in Lahaina in the not too distant future.  Hope they let me take my bead necklace along to mark the passing of the years… 

Gabrielle’s bracelet is more benign:  beach glass.  She said it reminds her of walks on the beach and the peace and tranquility of the sea.  I like that.

Now, these fine pieces of craftsmanship may beg the question: how did I ever learn such intricate artistry?  Well, as long as you asked, I’ll tell you:  I learned it on the Internet!  Heck, that’s what half my patients do when they want to learn about complex medical issues.  They show up with reams of printouts from “mydiagnosis.com” or “mydocknowsnuthin’.com” and show me the tests I need to order.  If it works for them, it can work for me.  So, I came across step by step instructions on how to “knit one, pearl two” or something of the sort.  Found them on a website devoted to crafts.  It was titled “Easy projects for Brownie troops” and was listed right alongside making a dandelion chain and emptying the cat’s litter box.  Still haven’t mastered either of those two yet.  But I’m getting pretty good at the ol’ macramé.  Here’s my little kit of supplies, which I keep in my very own “Operation” lunch box.  You can't quite read the fine print under the big "Operation" title, but it says "Where you're the doctor".  I like that part the best.  Oh, and the very happy patient...

You will notice that I use bona fide hemp cord.  It is strong, durable, and if Gabrielle continues to get nauseous, she can roll it up and smoke it.  The black thread serves a dual purpose.  It is used in some of my projects, but is also impressed into service to patch up my wetsuit.  It seems to be getting a little more wear and tear lately and has had a couple of new rips.  I suspect that’s due to the fact that I am still doing my part to help Gabrielle gain weight by leading by example.  Apparently, my wetsuit isn’t quite as accommodating of my newer shape as my “generous cut, relaxed fit spandex pants”.

So here’s to “marking time”.  The light is starting to appear at the end of the tunnel and we’re more than halfway through with the chemo.  For that we are all very thankful.  Oh, and just in case you want to call the Hawaiian Department of Natural Resources or Greenpeace or Save Our Coral Association and snitch on me, I didn’t really go around harvesting the stuff over there.  Bought it from a store on Aurora from a guy in a trenchcoat who also wanted to sell me some Maui Wowie.  Now, how more legit can you get than that?

4/5/13 Proof texts

Hello again.  Gabrielle here.

Forgot to say, am also reading in the book of Isaiah where today the Lord was upset with women who were behaving badly and hence this verse:  Isaiah 3:17b "the Lord will make their scalps bald" and verse 24 "...instead of well-dressed hair, baldness..."

Cue the music and my best Julie Andrews voice: Somewhere in my youth, or childhood...I must have done something BAD!

LOL.

Love,
G

4/5/13 Eleven Down, Seven to Go!

Dear Family and Friends,

Daniel and I always wait with bated breath for our chemo nurse to walk in and say "your counts are fine--chemo is a go!"  It took two hours from 9:30 to 11:30 to hear those words today since the NW Hospital Lab was so backed up.  But hear them we did!  Then it took until 12:30 to actually get the chemo medicine from the Lab and we left at 2.  Four and a half hours is a record for single chemo week! 

A happy surprise in the middle of this chemo was a visit from Steve!  He had some free time at lunch (a rarity for him) and he popped over to visit us.  So sweet!  We watched a movie at chemo today (as usual) called "Jeff Who Lives at Home."  It was a sort of a quirky comedy/drama about a single mom and two adult sons and I really liked it.  We ate cheese and crackers and apple slices while watching (popcorn smell isn't my favorite at the moment) and Daniel was once again a trooper to sit there in that little room with me for SO long.  :-)  Don't think we are health nazis eating our cheese and fruit and crackers.  When we got home, we ate chicken teriyaki followed by Fran's chocolates. 

Even with the neupogen shots (stomach shots four days last week) my white cell count is at the bottom of the normal range, so I need to be extra careful about hand-washing and staying away from sick people this week.  And my hematacrit (amount of blood in my body) is very low--24.9.  A normal person's might be 36 to 46.  No wonder I was out of breath on the elliptical machine yesterday, feeling super weak this past few days, and out of breath with heart pounding walking up two flights of stairs.  I need blood (I vant to suck your blood!!!!).  My oncologist agrees and Monday at 8:30 AM I will receive two pints of blood which takes, are you sitting down--FIVE HOURS to slowly drip into you so you don't "react" to it.  I think Monday will be a two movie Monday or perhaps one movie and four Scrabble games. 

I am THRILLED that this week and next I won't be as nauseous (queasy only until Monday after each single chemo) so I am looking forward to enjoying meals a bit more.  And today, since they filled me with anti-nausea medicine and steroids in my IV, I am hungry and Daniel is making lemon shrimp asparagus risotto for dinner.  If you can get here in 1 hour, I will save you some.  :-)

Because I don't get blood (i.e. energy) until Monday, I will take it easy this weekend. Tomorrow my big goal is to go to the Seattle Public Library semi-annual book sale at N. Seattle Community College where paperbacks are 50 cents and hardbacks $1.  After, we will take my Mom out for pizza lunch at Pegasus in West Seattle, since we have a Groupon that expires tomorrow.  Sunday morning I will go to Sunday School to hear Jeff Van Duzer (SPU's Provost) begin a two-week teaching series (which he is doing as a result of my begging and pleading).  He is one of my favorite speakers of all time.  If you have nothing to do at 9:30 AM Sunday, come to FFMC and hear him!

As I was reading my Bible today, I came across a verse that I had marked in the margin "my health."  I had written this back when I got Lupus but now, this verse relates just as well to cancer.  It is in 2 Cor. 4:16-18 and goes like this:

"Therefore, we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweights them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen (drugs, IV poles, nausea, feeling weak, missing work) is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 

My eyes are fixed on Jesus and it is well with my soul!

Love to you all,
Gabrielle

4/4/13 Day Before Chemo #11

Dear family and friends,

I think it is about time I check in with you all before single chemo #11 tomorrow.  The main side effect from last Friday's double has been unrelenting nausea every single day this week.  And also the increasing metal taste in my mouth so that my favorite foods don't taste as good as they used to.  You are going to think this is crazy but I actually can't wait for chemo tomorrow because they fill the I/V with fluids and very large amounts of anti-nausea medicine so that for tomorrow, at least, I will feel a reprieve from the nausea!!  Don't worry that I am wasting away because of the nausea...I make myself eat anyway and am maintaining a really good and healthy weight that's only ten pounds less than my pre-cancer weight. 

Despite the nausea, I donned a dress and my wig for two important occasions last weekend.  On Saturday I attended Ami and Matt's wedding, which filled me with the joy and hope of a young couple in love that you KNOW are right for one another and will have a long and happy marriage.  It was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes.  Then on Sunday, I loaded up with anti-nausea pills, dressed up again, and made it to church for Easter.  And what a sunny, glorious Easter Sunday it was!  I also managed to steal generous bites from Renee and Daniel's dark chocolate buttercream Easter eggs from See's.  :-)

On the weekdays, I have made sure to get to the gym or outdoors for long walks.  Yesterday was a particularly good day.  My good friend, Sue, came over and we went out to lunch at the little Thai place near my house.  She had the day off so we could talk at leisure without watching our watches to get back to work.  It was really great.  And then, to make the day even better, Steve got off work early and we went to Richmond Beach for an hour-long walk, having good conversation and collecting lots of pretty beach glass along the way.  After, we hit happy hour at Hill's restaurant in Richmond Beach and enjoyed some yummy calimari and pizza. 

Daniel and I had hoped to golf today, but alas, it is a rainy Thursday.  Our wonderful housecleaner, Ryan, comes today (my family gets tired of my favorite phrase "I love my Ryan!") and thus, Daniel and I will hit the gym and do some errands while he is cleaning.  My magnesium and calcium are low so we will pick up some supplements the doctor ordered. 

I am hoping my counts will be fine for chemo tomorrow since I took four days of those stomach shots this week to bring up my white cell count.  And after tomorrow, only seven chemos left!  I am SO ready to be done.  I miss work and the normal routine of life.  I miss having food taste normal and being able to go up two flights of stairs without my heart pounding as it did last night.  But I will try to be patient and to take each day as the gift that it is.  If you don't learn to treasure each day from having cancer, then you've learned nothing at all! Thanks to Mike and Colleen for bringing us joy yesterday with another quart of their fresh, homemade yogurt for my daily fruit smoothies.  And thanks to all of you who sent cards this week--most of which cracked me up with their jokes and or photos on the front (one was a kitten wearing a knitted hat just like one of mine...as if she were bald from chemo as well). 

Speaking of hair, it's mostly all rubbed off in the back and on the sides, but about half and inch of thin hair remains on top.  I like to blow dry it straight up.  It kind of looks like a 50s male movie star look, which must be very weird for Steve to see when he kisses me.  Ah, the unconditional love of a husband who looks beyond bad hair and scars and sees only his beautiful sweetheart.  I am truly blessed!

I will close with a verse you may know well, but that Daniel embellished for me with the words you will see in parentheses:  "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, [NOR CANCER! NOR NAUSEA!], neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:28-29 

You and I are loved.  What could be better than that?!

Love,
Gabrielle

3/20/13 Good Friday

Dear friends and family,

Gabrielle here.  Yesterday was Good Friday and as I sat in that chemo chair for 5.5 hours, I had a lot of time to think about what Christ went through on Good Friday so many years ago.  He was nailed to that cross for many long and horrible hours, enduring the worst suffering known to man, so that He could pay the price for our sins and offer us a chance to be reconciled to God and to have life everlasting one day with God in Heaven.  Thanks be to God for this indescribable gift!

In contrast, I was merely hooked up to an i/v pole and made to sit in a comfy reclining chair while eating snacks and watching the movie Love Actually (and losing not once, but twice to Daniel in Scrabble).  All this "not really all that much suffering" in the hope of giving me physical healing and longer life here on earth.  My suffering pales in comparison to Christ's.  And while I couldn't help Him with His, He helps me daily with mine.

When I arrived home from chemo, there were two gorgeous flower baskets on my porch from my friends Daryl and Elsie and Svein and Erin.  Thank you all so much!  Such springy happiness filling my family room!  There have also been many wonderful Easter and encouragement cards this week.  You know who you are.  It warms my heart to open the mailbox and think that you all were thinking of me and took time out of your busy lives to stop and write cards and mail them.  Thank you!

After chemo, though I felt tired, it was such a glorious sunny day that Daniel and I went to Richmond Beach and enjoyed a wonderful, rejuvenating beach walk.  Something about being by the sea put us in the mood for crab salad for dinner so that's what we had.  Delicious!  After that, we had a herculean task.  Our basement Comcast DVR is dying and needs to be replaced on Monday.  So between now and then, we are trying to watch all our saved up shows that we don't want to lose.  Thus, we were true couch potatoes last night and got through three of our favorite shows with Steve, and after he went to bed, Daniel and I watched two Jeopardys (to prevent chmo brain)!

I awoke this morning to fresh waffles with organic strawberries and whipped cream (thanks, Steve!!!) and more amazing weather.  Thus, we are about to head out for another beach walk, hopefully from Richmond Beach to Edmonds beach where we will leave a car to shuttle us back.  After that, we will have a short visit from my Mom, sister, and niece, and then I will pop strong anti-nausea pills and dress up (wig time) and head out to Ami and Matt's wedding at Greenlake. 

Oh my goodness...I need to tell you the good news!  My CA125 ovarian cancer tumor marker was tested yesterday (every three weeks they test it) and it dropped again from 27.4 to 15.7!!!  I am in the normal range after my first nine chemos!  My doctor wanted it to get under 20, and under 20 it is.  The drugs are working.  Cancer cells are being obliterated.  Thank you Lord, and thanks to all of you for your love, support, and prayers!

On the not quite so great side, my white cells continue to suffer, putting me at risk for infections and for having my counts too low to get my chemo treatments.  So today I have to start four more days of the shots in my stomach to help my bone marrow make more white cells.  That's two weeks in a row I've had to do them.  Oh well.  It's a small price to pay to be able to fight infections and be able to receive my last eight chemo treatments!  I am blessed to have not had to miss any treatments so far!

I am hoping I can make it to church for Easter tomorrow, despite Sunday mornings bringing the worst onslaught of sickness after the double chemo Fridays.  At home or at church, I will be keeping my eyes on Jesus:  "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."  He is risen.  He is risen indeed.  Hallelujah!

Love,
Gabrielle

3/27/13 Cannon Beach Photos

Here are the photos my mom mentioned! Had such a great time at the beach. It was amazing weather, and we had a beach blast!

Dad channeling the Karate Kid

My parents, the cutest couple in their matching Young Life Malibu sweatshirts

Mom and me in front of Haystack

Beachcombing with my dad

They love Cannon Beach!

My mom wanted to see the side of the beach across the river, but didn't want
to get wet, so my dad carried her across. 

Napping after carbo-loading at Pizza a Feta

Renee and I swapped shades 

3/27/13 Having a good week

Dear family and friends,

Gabrielle here.  I was waiting to blog once Daniel could help me load some fun pictures of our trip this past weekend but he has been busy and today he is sick (we think food poisoning).  So I will give you an update and add pictures later!

For our 30th anniversary in December, the kids gave us a gift certificate to our favorite place at Cannon Beach--the Stephanie Inn.  So this past weekend, we went there for two nights to celebrate being half-way done with chemo.  The kids came along too, but they stayed at the much cheaper Hallmark Inn, about a mile down the beach from us. 

There is nothing I love more than being at the ocean.  I can't help but think of God when I see its beauty, hear the waves crashing against the rocks, and feel it ice my toes.  I am awed by God's creativity in making the ocean and the starfishes and sand dollars we saw, by His power as I think of those crashing waves, currents, and undertows, and by His constancy.  The ocean at Cannon Beach is exactly like it was when I went there as a small child with my grandmother.  And God (and His love for us) is the same, yesterday, today, and forever. 

The Stephanie Inn is fabulous.  It's right on the beach about half a mile south of Haystack Rock.  The rooms have fireplaces and jacuzzi tubs.  There are fresh cookies, scones, muffins, and saltwater taffy in the lobby, along with coffee, tea, and hot cocoa.  The staff all greet you warmly and meet your every need (like handing you one of 300 DVDs to watch in your room).  From 4 to 6 pm there is a wine/beer/sparkling cider and appetizers reception in the Chart Room--a glorious sitting room with huge picture windows overlooking the ocean.  From 9 to 10 pm you can go back to the Chart Room for a Baileys or other nightcap if you so choose.  All this is included in the price of your room, along with a gourmet buffet breakfast. 

We were blessed with amazing weather all weekend long!  It was sunny or cloudy/no rain all three days.  We walked for miles and miles each day on the beach, ate our favorite pizza slices for lunch from Pizza a Feta, laid on our beach blanket, and chatted/napped/read books.  We watched movies at night (they give you popcorn with your movie).  I popped my anti-nausea pills and had a great appetite!  It was just the perfect weekend and felt so good to get away from my long days/weeks at home. 

My nausea stopped all the way by Tuesday and I have had two good at home days with walks and visits with my friends Dean, Lynette, and Laura.  Tomorrow (Thurs.) my friend and pastor, Bonnie (who, along with her husband, Arnie, helped me find my Christian faith when I was 14), is coming up for lunch, and after that my friend Kristi will visit.  Too bad I wasn't this popular in junior high and high school!  :-) 

Tomorrow evening we will celebrate Daniel's birthday a touch early.  His actual 23rd birthday is Monday, April 1.  Yes, he is my April Fool's Day "baby."  He insisted he wanted us to go to birthday dinner and eat chocolate caramel cake on a Thursday night, which is the night furthest from chemo and when my appetite is the best.  It is double chemo this Friday (please pray...I dread it every time) and I will be pretty sick for five or so days after that.  So on his actual birthday, I won't be a ton of fun.  Thankfully, Renee has his birthday off from work so she is taking him to breakfast and will make sure he has a good time that day.

I am so grateful for all the kindnesses this week (cards, Easter lily, beautiful glassy baby blown glass candle holder in the ovarian cancer turquoise color, Easter chocolates from a patient of Steve's, etc.).  And for all of you who pray for me every day or as often as you can--thank you SO much!  I feel your healing prayers.  I feel God's love, comfort, strength, and joy (yes, joy...who knew you could experience joy while fighting a life-threatening cancer)?! 

I will update you again after the double chemo on Friday with news of my CA125 tumor marker count.  They will test it this Friday (every double they test it) and let's pray it has dropped again, which would be so encouraging!  And also how my white blood cells are doing after four days of the stomach shots this week to help my bone marrow make more of them.

Lastly, I don't know if I will be able to make it to church this Easter, as Sunday mornings are when the sickness hits full force after the double chemo.  But I hope all of you can go, and hear again what the angel said to the women at the tomb: "Do not be afraid, for I know you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified.  He is not here; He has risen, just as he said!"  Matt. 28:5-6   And because He died for us and rose again, "Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.  Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him."  Thanks be to God!

Love,
Gabrielle