Thursday, January 31, 2019

1/31/19 Called home

Dear friends,
     It is with great sadness that I report that Gabrielle was called home early this morning just before 3:00.  Renee, Daniel and I were at her bedside as she passed.  We are all rejoicing that she is now free from suffering and the burdens that weighed her down during her cancer struggle.  I guess seeing last night's wonderful pink sunset was too enticing, so she just had to see what was behind the curtain.
     We take solace in the fact that she was a woman who had strong faith in Jesus Christ, love for her family and friends, and was someone who embraced life to the fullest, even in the midst of illness.  
     I will post details on her service as they develop.  Here's one of my favorite pictures of her (along with a special friend of hers).



Gabrielle Dudley
She fought the good fight.  And now there is in store for her a crown of righteousness, which the Lord will award to her.  It's going to have a lot of jewels in it!

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

1/30/19 Red sky at night, sailor's delight

     I am sitting in the bedroom alongside Gabrielle right now.  I briefly looked up and noticed the most amazing beautiful pink sky through the trees.  It's absolutely stunning.  I know.  By the time you read this, it will be gone.  Maybe there will be another pink sky tomorrow.  There's something about a pink sunset that cheers my heart.  Maybe it's because of that maritime saying: "red sky at night, sailor's delight; red sky at morn, sailors take warn".  I like to think that God is giving Gabrielle a foretaste of what's in store for her up yonder, a pulling back the curtains for a sneak preview, if you will.  
     Our bedroom setup is such that she is lying in bed, on her left side facing the windows looking to the south through a bunch of trees.  Even though we are surrounded by houses, the view from the bedroom is so peaceful: trees, pink skies.  She opens her eyes and looks off through the window, lost in thought, reflective.  So peaceful.  I take comfort in the fact that she is no longer restless.  She is breathing smoothly and without any effort.  
     She is so strong, such a champion. She has fought well.  Now the warrior is getting her much deserved, well-earned rest.  
Now the sailor is approaching that safe harbor.
     And that's pretty much it for now.  Thanks for checking in from time to time.  So many people have expressed been supportive of Gabrielle (and all of us) on this journey.  Thanks to all of her "shipmates" on this journey.

Saturday, January 26, 2019

1/26/19 Settling down a bit

I think that Gabrielle is transitioning out of the “restless” phase into a deeper sleep.  Her breathing is smooth and steady, and she has been comfortable just remaining in bed, which is where she stayed all day yesterday.  It was the first day that she did not want to go downstairs and settle into her much beloved blue living room couch.  In keeping with the travel metaphor from before, I like to think that the past couple of days, she was bustling around the train station, getting ready for her trip.  Now she has boarded the train and has settled quite comfortably into her cabin on the train…first class, of course, with private attendant, no less! Rumor has it that she may be on her way to a gated community, adorned with pearls no less!  What’s not to like about that?
As for how all of us are holding up, I can only speak for myself.  The kids don’t like me to assume that I know what they are thinking, but I will say that it has been unbearably hard on all of us.  No doubt, the hardest thing any of us have had to go through.  They are holding up amazingly well, with grand servant hearts that make a father proud.  And their partners have been so helpful as well, so thanks to Riley and Adrienne! You are real gems!
I try and get out a little bit in between my time at home with Gabrielle.  I have popped into work from time to time, which helps center me in many ways.  I may go for a swim today.  It is sunny, after all.  To help process things, I am reading a short book by Henri Nouwen, who was a Catholic priest. It is a set of reflections on losing a significant relationship in his life. On the “lighter” side, I am also reading a Russian novel and one by Stephen King.  If I asked you to guess which one has the devil roaming the streets unchecked and features a black cat that rips someone’s head off, I’d bet you’d get it wrong.  That’s the Russian novel.  Reading a book like that makes my life look downright easy.  The Stephen King book is a departure from his horror books, which I don’t read.  This one is called Elevation and has been called “the feel good book of the year”. And that’s enough of Steve’s book reviews for now.
Daniel just spent the night on the floor next to Gabrielle and he texted me that he wants to get up so he can get some real sleep. So I guess I will wander upstairs with my Russian novel and relieve him.  Someone’s got to put the brakes on that black cat.  


Now here's someone who is all set for a tough day at the beach!  If I'm lucky, she's got the cat back in the bag.

Thursday, January 24, 2019

1/24/19 Getting restless

      Gabrielle has entered a phase, which the hospice nurse calls terminal restlessness.  She will be lying quietly, as if she is sound asleep, and then sit bolt upright and want to move somewhere else.  She will move from the couch to the easy chair (with assistance, of course), and we get her all settled and tucked in.  She puts her head back and has a peaceful, dreamlike look on her face, but then literally two minutes later, she is on the move again.  Sometimes, she stays in one place for half an hour to an hour, but then shuffles around a bit.  Happily, these restless episodes are punctuated with periodic stretches of sleep lasting for several hours—usually on the living room couch, or in bed.  Right now, for example, she is asleep on the couch (it’s 7:45 AM), after a fairly restful night’s sleep. 
The hospice nurse mentioned that this is a fairly common phase that people in the terminal stages of life go through.  OK, I’ll say it: “people who are dying go through”. It’s hard to describe her in those terms, but clearly that’s the situation.  The nurse said that in this phase, people often talk about needing to find their keys, or pack their bags.  They mention that they are going somewhere. It’s almost as if that the need to get ready for a trip is a metaphor for life’s final journey.
As before, her pain appears to be under good control.  She still has no appetite, and it seems that the only liquids she wants are those to keep her mouth moist.  We accomplish this with small sips and also from those little pink sponges on a stick that hospitals love (no, we didn’t steal them…hospice gave them to us).  I don’t think she is suffering, and that’s so comforting to see.  I feel so blessed to have such great kids to help with Gabrielle.  It is also nice to know that there is such a great hospice team focused on making her remaining time with us as comfortable as possible.  She loves her home, and this is where she wants to be.  I find solace, in the midst of these dark times, that we are able to provide that for her.  It sure beats being in a hospital with tubes, IV machines beeping and people interrupting sleep at odd hours to get vitals or draw blood.  
In the time it took me to write these paragraphs, Gabrielle has sat upright at least ten times and has booted me out of the easy chair. Then she got up and moved to the other couch in the family room.  Earlier, when she was on the other couch and sat up, I sidled up next to her.  I put my arm around her and told her that I loved her while I stroked that cute head of hers (hair is coming back in).  I then said that Daniel was upstairs, out of sight and asked her if she wanted to do some smooching.  I got a little smile, in return, but no action.  I pecked her on the cheek and tucked her back in, where she stayed for a few minutes.

And now, just for fun, a couple of pictures from our trip to Greece in 2015:


I just love the idea of getting a "genuine fake"!  This was outside the place where the Virgin Mary is said to have spent her final years.  I wonder if they sold genuine fake Gucci sundials in her day?



Gabrielle "doing" Ephesus.  This is the main street, and I think that's the library in the background...one of the largest in the ancient world at the time.


On Mykonos.  What's in the bag, Gabrielle?


Just what I thought!  She let the cat out of the bag!


After a tough day of sightseeing and putting up with Steve's lame jokes, it is nice to repair to the lounge of our cruise ship.  Straight orange juice?  Hardly!  Mango margarita! 

Saturday, January 19, 2019

1/19/19 Weekend update

Gabrielle continues to sleep much of the time, with the only change being a shift from the couch to the basement to the bedroom.  When she is in the basement, we have the TV on in the background, but she is far from tracking on anything.  She isn't talking any more beyond saying a single word when we ask her where she wants to go: "upstairs", "bathroom".  However, for some reason, she did refer to the bedside commode we got for her as "Satan's spawn".  I have never heard her refer to anything by those words before!  We were just trying to make it more convenient for her.  At least we tried!
I believe her pain is under better control and we try and stay ahead of it.  She only has a minimal interest in food but we keep trying to offer her things, hoping to inspire her to take a bite of something.  This afternoon, she had one bite of cake that friends brought over...gee, I guess that means that there may be some left for me!
We have had some nice visits from the hospice nurse, Whitney.  She has been helpful in providing suggestions as to how to manage various symptoms.
I also wanted to relate some inspiring words from my brother, Paul, who texted me this week.  He has volunteered for many years (well over 20) at Camp Goodtimes, which is a camp on Vashon Island for kids with cancer.  Don't ask me why, but his camp name is Moose Lips.  He is quite the outgoing, charismatic guy.  He even has a tie dyed suit: jacket and slacks--looks like he is in a time warp from Haight Ashbury (another "old guy" reference).  The other day, he sent me these words:  
"People always say 'they lost their battle with cancer'.  That's BS.  Cancer warriors deal with the unimaginable and yet, your warrior wife has had her head held high and chose long ago to be very open about her cancer roller coaster in order to help others and she obviously has.  What a gift she has been to so many others who are out there struggling.  Tears are good.  Holding them could cause a pipe to break somewhere internally.  Tears are just love's way of overflowing from your body."  
Good, wise words, don't you think?
As I write these words, I am in the living room with the fireplace turned on (so much easier than a "real" wood fire), she is resting peacefully on the couch.  It's peaceful here, so much more peaceful than being in a cold hospital bed somewhere.
Every morning I give Gabrielle a good morning kiss and at night, it's three kisses.  She still puckers up, and at times she even smiles, especially if I have brushed my teeth first.  I am already looking forward to my goodnight kisses.  I'll brush first.  Maybe I'll get an extra kiss if I do.  
Oh, and just in case you are curious what a tie-dyed suit looks like (or one of my brothers for that matter), here it is.  As you can see, he got the good looks, and the good wardrobe.  Oh, and he just told me that you too can have a suit like this for $23.95 online from Walmart!





Thursday, January 17, 2019

1/17/19 Slow dwindles

The latest news is that there isn’t much news. It’s just more of the same.  She has been getting more restless, though. She will position herself just so on the couch, lie down and look like she is all set, and then ten minutes later sit up and want to move to the easy chair where she repeats the process. Maybe makes it fifteen minutes, then decides it’s time to go upstairs to stretch out on her bed.  Her interest in food is close to nil, though we try and tempt her with anything she wants.  Yesterday’s “breakfast” consisted of several sips of orange juice and about ten blueberries and raspberries.  Afterwards, out of the blue, she told us she wanted to go for a drive and expressed interest in a Dick’s strawberry milkshake, of all things.  Daniel bundled her up and off they went, only to find out that Dick’s isn’t open at 9:00 AM.  They tried to settle for something at Starbuck’s but she didn’t like it.  
Hospice nurse came by and hooked up a bag of IV fluids to see if that would perk her up.  It didn’t seem to change things much.
It appears we have the pain fairly well under control.  
I think the thing I miss the most about her, at this point, is the fact that she doesn’t talk much.  Certainly, we can’t engage her in any conversation beyond asking her what she needs or wants.  And even then, about half the time, when we do ask, she doesn’t answer back, just looks off into space.  But she will have her moments when she perks up, smiles.  And she is still very pleasant to everyone, and even thanked the home health care nurse after hooking up the IV.  What a trooper!
I also wanted to mention that Gabrielle is not up to seeing visitors at this point.  She appreciates everything that folks have been doing for her (and for us), but has said that she just wants to rest quietly for now.  Thank you for understanding.
And, just for fun, here's a picture I took of her when we went to Zion National Park in 2015.  I think the word "Champions" applies to her as well, don't you?  She champions everything, and is indeed a Champion, with a major capital "C"!



            

Monday, January 14, 2019

1/14/19 Monday update

OK, here’s the short version:  she continues to decline.  She is quite weak and has been sleeping most of the day. Yesterday, she had a few visitors. Her Bible study came by and she even took Communion.  I wasn’t home for that, as I was at church getting the “real deal”.  She has been wanting to go to bed at 4:00 PM, but we have been trying to get her to stay up till 7:00.  Yesterday, we figured, “what the heck?” and let her have her 4:00 PM bedtime.  When she sleeps, she is so peaceful.  
Today, we will be having a home health nurse come by to assess her.  Not a whole lot else on the books today.  
However, speaking of church, I was struck by one of the Bible passages that was read.  Here it is, from Isaiah 43:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; 
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, 
they will not sweep over you. 
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned; 
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom, 
Cushand Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight, 
and because I love you, 
I will give people in exchange for you, 
nations in exchange for your life. 
Do not be afraid,for I am with you;
            I will bring your children from the east 
            and gather you from the west.

I love the imagery of passing through the waters and not being swept away by the rivers.

And that’s the latest update.  However, if you are curious about what’s going on in Steve’s head, here is what I wrote in my journal this morning (aside: for some reason, I started keeping a journal around age 14 and haven’t been able to kick the habit ever since).

She is declining so rapidly.  Every day I wake up and think that today will be the day she sees Jesus face to face.  It seems even more so the past few days.  She literally slept 23 hours yesterday.  Hospice got started and they have been helpful.  We have a nurse coming today.  I just want her to be at peace.  I don’t know that I agree with that statement, “death, where is they sting?”. It stings oh so much.  I do agree with the second part: “grave, where is they victory?”.  So comforting to know that she will be in paradise and rid of her pain and suffering. The Bible only has images of heaven, metaphors.  The only one who saw heaven for himself was Paul and it was too wonderful to even talk about.  Boy, it’s going to be good!  I sometimes daydream about what it may be like knowing full well that it won’t be anything like that, only better.  I think that I’ll get to scuba dive crystal clear waters but won’t need a scuba tank in an ocean where the animals abound and are at peace.  I imagine riding a massive wave on a surfboard and doing it flawlessly, of camping out under the Northern Lights, of having eternity to read all the books I ever wanted to, to play musical instruments, to sit by cozy hearths with a good community of friends.  Probably heaven won’t be like that, but it will be far better.  Yes, I know.  The big thing in heaven is to see God, Jesus.  But it’s easier for me to imagine the ultimate dive on a coral reef than what God will be like.  The picture of worshipping God forever immediately makes me think of all the saints in white robes, not interacting with one another but looking at God in some giant room filled with light.  Can’t get that picture out of my mind, but I know that’s not heaven—that’s the Moonies. The coral reefs have the stamp of their Creator on them, so I’ll stick with them.  And that’s a great solace for me as I look at losing her, knowing that she has that in front of her.
            I’m clearly already mourning her loss.  She is but a shell of what she was before.  With each day, a small piece of her is gone.  No more walks, long talks, dates.  They’re already history, but I am so thankful for my memories, pictures, and my children in whom her spirit lives on.


Saturday, January 12, 2019

1/12/19 Signed up for hospice

Things have been pretty quiet around here today.  We were blessed that my brother Paul and his wife Heidi made a special trip in from "the boonies" (Poulsbo) to bring my mother over for a visit.  She lives in Redmond, so there was a fair bit of driving on their part.  Thanks, guys!

As for Gabrielle, she has been having a mellow, mostly sleepy, day around the house.  She ate a little breakfast before my mom's visit.  Afterwards, we went for a short walk along the Edmonds waterfront by the marina:  




I left to take my mom home, and the rest of the gang made a bee line for Anthony's where Gabrielle ordered a salad to go.  Nothing like Anthony's to get the salivary juices flowing!


Pain continues to be an issue, but we are trying to stay on top of it.  I have told her many times to let us know if she is in pain, and she replied that sometimes, she just doesn't think of it.  Talk about stoic!


We have indeed asked the hospice folks to come around and they will be here tomorrow for an "intake" and assessment of the situation.  We are all at peace with this decision, though that doesn't make it any easier to see her health slowly slip away.  But she is so strong and looks forward to an eternity without pain.  She told Renee yesterday that she could feels the arms of Jesus drawing her closer. 


I have asked her is she wanted me to read any e-mails or texts to her, and she said "not now".  She is in a pensive and reflective mood much of the time.  I will wait and read them to her later.  Feel free to continue to text or e-mail her.  We will get around to reading them to her when she is in the mood.


One problem with napping during the day, is that time gets a little confused.  We were downstairs watching TV and Gabrielle said she was ready for bed, though it was only 3:50.  We will try and keep her occupied till 7:00.  That appears to be her new bedtime.


Not much else to report on this end, but I know that she has many friends who love her dearly and I want to keep you in the loop as much as possible.  


Blessings all around!



Friday, January 11, 2019

1/11/19 Mellow day today

Things have been pretty quiet around here today.  We were blessed that my brother Paul and his wife Heidi made a special trip in from "the boonies" (Poulsbo) to bring my mother over for a visit.  She lives in Redmond, so there was a fair bit of driving on their part.  Thanks, guys!

As for Gabrielle, she has been having a mellow, mostly sleepy, day around the house.  She ate a little breakfast before my mom's visit.  Afterwards, we went for a short walk along the Edmonds waterfront by the marina:  




I left to take my mom home, and the rest of the gang made a bee line for Anthony's where Gabrielle ordered a salad to go.  Nothing like Anthony's to get the salivary juices flowing!


Pain continues to be an issue, but we are trying to stay on top of it.  I have told her many times to let us know if she is in pain, and she replied that sometimes, she just doesn't think of it.  Talk about stoic!


We have indeed asked the hospice folks to come around and they will be here tomorrow for an "intake" and assessment of the situation.  We are all at peace with this decision, though that doesn't make it any easier to see her health slowly slip away.  But she is so strong and looks forward to an eternity without pain.  She told Renee yesterday that she could feels the arms of Jesus drawing her closer. 


I have asked her is she wanted me to read any e-mails or texts to her, and she said "not now".  She is in a pensive and reflective mood much of the time.  I will wait and read them to her later.  Feel free to continue to text or e-mail her.  We will get around to reading them to her when she is in the mood.


One problem with napping during the day, is that time gets a little confused.  We were downstairs watching TV and Gabrielle said she was ready for bed, though it was only 3:50.  We will try and keep her occupied till 7:00.  That appears to be her new bedtime.


Not much else to report on this end, but I know that she has many friends who love her dearly and I want to keep you in the loop as much as possible.  


Blessings all around!



Thursday, January 10, 2019

1/10/19 Chemo is a "no go"

We got up quite early in order to make an 8:00 AM lab draw, then waited around till chemo appointment at 9:30.  Her nurse came out and got her all situated in the infusion bay and said that we were just waiting on the labs.  Fifteen minutes later, she came back and said that Gabrielle needed to go to the ER due to high potassium.  Sodium remains quite low as well.

What followed was a long discussion with her nurse and the gyn-onc fellow over the pros and cons of another ER trip.  Gabrielle got a pained look on her face at the thought of going to the ER or being admitted to the hospital and said repeatedly that she just wanted to go back home.  As such, we made a beeline out of there and plunked her down on the couch, where she is resting peacefully.  Though at this moment, Daniel is getting her propped up and is about to coax her into eating a little pho from our favorite place on Aurora.  Oh, and he got her some tater tots as well!  I may have to dig into those!


We have set the wheels in motion for hospice with a focus on keeping her as comfortable as possible.  She has told me many times over the years that when the days get miserable and are to be endured, then quality of life is pretty low.  I am sad to say that she (we) is at that stage.  Has said she is ready to leave this earth and "go home".  I am so glad that she has an eternal home to go to.  We want to make the trip as comfortable as possible.  


Yes, it looks like Gabrielle is on her "bell lap", which she wrote about a while back.  Nobody has fought longer, harder or with more determination than Gabrielle.  She continues to be thankful for little things and never gets annoyed (except when I hover).  She's a real trooper.  No wonder she has so many friends.


As always, thanks for your prayers, support and words of encouragement.

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

1/9/19 Six year anniversary today!!

Today marks six years since Gabrielle was diagnosed.  At that time, the five year survival was 20% tops.  She's beaten that!  Such a strong, strong fighter.  Nobody has been fighting harder than her.  So proud of her.

I just got off the phone with the scheduler, and they have her slotted to restart the Taxol tomorrow morning.  We are really hoping and praying that it will offer some help.  I don't think it would be helpful to try an unknown drug at this time, and Taxol has improved things in the past, so we'll see.


As for how she's doing, currently she's snoozing on the couch.  She got up at 7:00, which is about three hours early for her.  Was having abdominal cramps and pain.  Was also chilled.  She headed down to the living room where she planted herself on the couch with a heating pad and her "bucky heart" which is something filled with buckwheat that she nukes to keep things warm.  She has also had a couple of pain pills.  She has not had any interest in breakfast yet.


I am happy to report that for the past couple of days, she has been pretty "with it".  Enjoys reading texts and having e-mails read to her.  She is quite shaky with her fingers, so finds it hard to answer back.  The cough is a touch better.  Small things to be thankful for.


Oh, and just for fun, I thought I would toss in a picture of Gabrielle and Renee about 20 years ago.  Here they are, standing on the deck of our hotel on Maui, where we went for one of my "business trips".  




Tuesday, January 8, 2019

1/8/19 A slight rally

First of all, thanks to so many of you who have offered encouragement through your words and actions.  Too many to list, but they do indeed help us all remember that we are surrounded by many people who love and care for Gabrielle (and the rest of us).  I am sorry if I don't get around to thanking each of you, but I am very grateful for the outpouring of support.

As for Gabrielle, she has done a little better the past couple of days.  Has been able to have a couple of conversations, and even wanted to try her hand at Scrabble last night, but she was clearly off her game.  Her first word only got her six points, which would be like Jesse Owens running the 100 in 30 seconds (aside: I have started really enjoying making analogies to "ancient" history as it's fun to see the complete blank looks on millennials' faces, like when I said I am only four days younger than Bo Derek).  But Gabrielle's hands were quite shaky and we ended up stopping after two turns.  


As for her appetite, she ate a little more, but still not much.  Cough persists.  Is still sleeping now.  I expect she will get up in an hour.  Yesterday, she actually got up on her own, walked past Renee who was sound asleep on the floor next to her and was at the top of the stairs before we could help her.  She hates being helped around, but understands that we do it to keep her safe.  


The biggest news is that she has asked us to check with her oncologist about going back on the Taxol.  We understand that it has failed several times before, but the goal at this stage is to decrease the "tumor burden".  Who knows? It just might help.  Lately, it's the only chemo drug that has done any good at all.  We sent e-mails to her care team at the UW and they have said that they are willing to try it.  They are looking into scheduling it now.  It's clearly well beyond a Hail Mary pass.  We all have our eyes open and very realistic expectations.  But Gabrielle is not ready to sit back and go to "comfort care" just yet.  I both admire her fighting spirit, and am worried about its effects on her.  


At this point, we don't even know if her labs will be good enough to get the Taxol.  But, if so, then she may get a dose later this week.  As for me, my big goal is for her to have the best quality of life she can with the remaining time she has with us, whatever that entails.  If Taxol can help her achieve that goal, then bring it on!  If not, then we will be accepting of that.


Update.  She just got up and has had a few sips of a smoothie that Daniel made and is asking for cheese and tomato on toast.  Right now, she is reading some texts on her phone.  She likes doing that.  May not necessarily be able to respond, but she is encouraged by the kind and supportive messages.


Sunday, January 6, 2019

1/6/19 Sunday morning update

It’s just after 6:30 and I’ll be heading out the door to go to work soon.  It’s hard to even think about work, but I need to go in for a variety of reasons.  For one, I want to be able to give the kids time alone with their mom.  She doesn’t need three people hovering over her watching her sleep, though she does like it when I am around.  I leave knowing she is in good hands.  Daniel spent the night on the floor next to her, and Renee will show up in a couple of hours.  
But I wanted to give an update before I dash off. Yesterday, Gabrielle was pretty sleepy and “out of it” for much of the day.  She continued to cough, even after she got up and tried to move about. Extent of her activity was walking down to the basement to watch TV, then going back upstairs to “take a lap” around the main floor, then head upstairs again.  She was a little confused, which was sad to see, because the previous day, she was quite alert in the hospital and had some good conversations with nurses, doctors and us as well.
As you may suspect, there is no chore list for Gabrielle.  No riding lawn mower.  No chiding her for not getting her silly tasks done around the house.  I write things like that as a bit of a defense and to try and inject a little levity, albeit somewhat dark, into a very depressing situation.  This morning the mask is off.  The truth of the matter is that she is getting sicker by the day.  Sometimes, she will rally, but the general trend is not looking good.  We all pray for wisdom to be aggressive enough to treat correctable problems such as low sodium or dehydration, while at the same time not putting her through a series of unnecessary or even harmful interventions, trips to hospitals and the like. It’s not always easy to tell the difference on the front end.  That’s where the wisdom to know the difference part comes in.
She barely eats anything.  Yesterday’s total was a few bites of waffle and then some pineapple yogurt from Menchie’s.  She was alert enough to ask Daniel to mix it with some plain vanilla when he was getting it. Drinks a little water, but not much. She has lost a lot of weight.  You get the picture.
Yesterday, I read some Bible passages to her from Jeremiah about God taking away our mourning (31:13), selections from the Psalms about God helping us when we call out to Him, and parts of I and II Corinthians about love, keeping our treasures in jars of clay and Paul’s vision of heaven that was too wonderful to speak about.  She smiled and listened intently.  Daniel played some Michael Card selections for her while he gave her a foot massage as Renee and I looked on, each working our own crossword puzzles (I finished mine, but I had Friday’s and she had Saturday’s). 
I just popped up to check on her: she was doing a lot of coughing, so I gave her a dose of cough syrup, kissed her goodbye and told her I’d be back later this afternoon.  She smiled.

Saturday, January 5, 2019

1/5/19 Early discharge!

We had an unexpected early discharge from the hospital late yesterday afternoon.  She had gotten some IV fluids as well as an attempt at a salt pill which she promptly threw up.  The chief resident came in and talked to Daniel and Renee while I had stepped out for a short walk.  She said that they wouldn't do much as far as interventions overnight, such as more fluids or medicines, so it was decided that there was no reason to stay through the night just to have labs drawn in the morning.  Boy, did we get out of there in a hurry before they changed their minds!

Big issue now continues to be the coughing.  We have every cough syrup under the sun and then some.  Isn't sick, just has a moist cough.  It is a little better when she is sitting upright.  She just woke up about a half an hour ago and is all nestled into the easy chair next to the fire.  I just fed her about four bites of strawberry waffle, which is what she was wanting yesterday from the UW food services folks but had to settle for blueberry pancakes instead.


Yesterday, she was quite alert and "with it" and was able to have some pretty involved discussions with the doctors.  Not quite up to speed yet today, but we are hoping that she'll perk up.  She is not complaining of any pain, so that's good.  She is just so happy to be home.  We hope that she doesn't have to go back to the hospital and we are trying our best to manage her symptoms here at home.


Her oncologist didn't think the current chemo was doing any good, and said at this point it would actually be harmful for her (CA 125 is rising), so it looks like she won't be getting any more chemo, though we aren't 100% sure on that.  However, the focus is on keeping her comfortable, and I am happy to report that right now, with a belly full of homemade food (if you call 4 bites "full"), a peaceful living room, no chores I need her to do till the riding lawn mower arrives later today, we're doing all right.  It is nice to see her resting peacefully.


More updates as they trickle in.


Steve


p.s. A brief note to my medical friends.  You may have noticed the treatment for the low sodium in the previous blog involved eating salty food.  Sodium levels are way more complicated than that and often pertain more to water balance than actual sodium intake.  However, this is a situation where her doctor felt more sodium would be the right approach.  "Hypovolemic hyponatremia" as she called it.  I'm just adding this, so you don't track me down at work to tell me not to give her potato chips.  Besides, I like to lead by example, so to encourage her to eat the potato chips, hot dogs, salted soft pretzels, I need to show her how it's done.

Friday, January 4, 2019

1/4/19 Hospital day #2

She is now on hospital day #2.  Really wants to go home, but her sodium level is too low for her to be safely discharged.  Plan is to treat this with IV fluids and salt pills to see if the number can come up with a tentative plan to head home tomorrow.  Interestingly, the doctor has also encouraged her to eat salty foods.  To that end, Renee just got back from a Schultzy's run with a hot dog and a bunch of shoestring fries.  How's that for following doctor's orders?  
We had thought she was going to get some fluid drained from her lungs this morning.  However when she went down to the interventional radiology suite, they did not see much fluid there at all.  Current thinking is that the X-ray from last week showed “pseudo fluid”, as best as I can tell.  I think that means that the diaphragm was so “smooshed” upwards from the abdominal fluid that it gave the appearance of a lot of fluid when there wasn’t any there. But then again, I’m a little punch drunk sleepy so I may not have heard the doctor right.  At least I’m not in another virtual meeting.
As for how she is doing, well I’ll tell you: she is resting peacefully with her much beloved Frasier in the background (current episode: he has been having dreams about a male co-worker and his brother (also a psychiatrist) is trying to analyze all this, just in case you wanted to know).  When I get my chance to pick, it’s old Twilight Zone or Alfred Hitchcock Presents episodes.  But back to her, which is what this blog is about: she is coughing in fits and starts.  Breathing is OK much of the time.  
I spent the night last night, and I can honestly say that it was the most peaceful hospital stay I have ever experienced. Mind you, we’re comparing this to other hospital stays, not the Marriott or even Motel 6.  But I would say it was quieter than those cheesy motels on Aurora North, or so I've been told, never having had the pleasure of staying in one myself.  Doctor put in an order for us not to be disturbed at night, so she could sleep (Gabrielle that is, though I am sure the doctor was happy to get some sleep too).  It was a welcome change from 2:00 AM, “wake up Mrs. Dudley, I need to check your temperature!” from last visit. 
Gabrielle remains quite sleepy and a little foggy, which the doctor attributes to her low sodium.  Hopefully that will clear up as well when the sodium corrects.  However, the big picture is that her health is declining in spite of the treatments she has submitted to.  Cancer is indeed advancing, with a rising tumor marker, continued fluid buildup, and abdominal pain.  Her big goal right now is to be comfortable and at home.  We feel so blessed that our home is comfortable and she has nice couches and easy chairs to plant herself.  As a coming home present, I have am surprising her with a riding lawn mower, giving her one more thing to sit on.  Next up: a cherry picker so she doesn’t have to climb the ladder to take down the Christmas lights.  I think we can all agree that Christmas lights left on houses well beyond Christmas are kind of tacky, so that's on the "must do" list.  
Thanks again for all your prayers, encouragement, etc. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I either need to sign in to a virtual meeting or take a nap.  Can’t remember which.  Or I suppose I could tackle those Christmas lights...

Thursday, January 3, 2019

1/3/19 A little hiccup in today's chemo

Today’s “chemo” session turned into an admission to the hospital due to Gabrielle’s worsening breathing issues.  She is starting to collect fluid on her lungs as well as her abdomen.  They had tried to get this done as an outpatient, but radiology wasn’t able to do it. As such, she is in the hospital and will get the procedure tomorrow morning.  Her electrolytes were also off, especially her sodium.  She hasn’t been eating or drinking much, and we are hoping that she will get a little better hydrated through her stay at the hospital.
Her oncologist came by today and they had a nice chat.  We are pleased with the team she has, which is good.  We really hope that she will be able to get discharged from the hospital after tomorrow’s procedure.
We are “tag teaming” the hospital stay, as we have found that it is always nice to have someone stay with her while she is in the hospital.  This is both to keep her company, but also to help with things like calling for the nurse, taking sips of water, losing to her at Scrabble.  Fun stuff like that.  So, as part of the tag team approach, Daniel and RenĂ©e are down at UWMC with her now.  I am at home and am multi-tasking at this moment.  I am “attending” a meeting via a teeny little screen in the upper corner of my computer.  This pertains to my role as a faculty member at the med school.  A student has been assigned to me for the next six months and they are getting me up to speed on this.  I hope that I am up to the task, in light of everything else that is going on. 
I don’t have much else to report right now. But I will try and give an update tomorrow.  Here’s hoping for a quiet night…and success at Scrabble.  Forgive any typos…they are making me listen to the meeting.  Gotta love meetings!