1/14/19 Monday update

OK, here’s the short version:  she continues to decline.  She is quite weak and has been sleeping most of the day. Yesterday, she had a few visitors. Her Bible study came by and she even took Communion.  I wasn’t home for that, as I was at church getting the “real deal”.  She has been wanting to go to bed at 4:00 PM, but we have been trying to get her to stay up till 7:00.  Yesterday, we figured, “what the heck?” and let her have her 4:00 PM bedtime.  When she sleeps, she is so peaceful.  

Today, we will be having a home health nurse come by to assess her.  Not a whole lot else on the books today.  

However, speaking of church, I was struck by one of the Bible passages that was read.  Here it is, from Isaiah 43:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; 

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

² When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers, 

they will not sweep over you. 

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned; 

the flames will not set you ablaze.

³ For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom, 

Cushand Seba in your stead.

⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight, 

and because I love you, 

I will give people in exchange for you, 

nations in exchange for your life. 

⁵ Do not be afraid,for I am with you;

            I will bring your children from the east 

            and gather you from the west.

I love the imagery of passing through the waters and not being swept away by the rivers.

And that’s the latest update.  However, if you are curious about what’s going on in Steve’s head, here is what I wrote in my journal this morning (aside: for some reason, I started keeping a journal around age 14 and haven’t been able to kick the habit ever since).

She is declining so rapidly.  Every day I wake up and think that today will be the day she sees Jesus face to face.  It seems even more so the past few days.  She literally slept 23 hours yesterday.  Hospice got started and they have been helpful.  We have a nurse coming today.  I just want her to be at peace.  I don’t know that I agree with that statement, “death, where is they sting?”. It stings oh so much.  I do agree with the second part: “grave, where is they victory?”.  So comforting to know that she will be in paradise and rid of her pain and suffering. The Bible only has images of heaven, metaphors.  The only one who saw heaven for himself was Paul and it was too wonderful to even talk about.  Boy, it’s going to be good!  I sometimes daydream about what it may be like knowing full well that it won’t be anything like that, only better.  I think that I’ll get to scuba dive crystal clear waters but won’t need a scuba tank in an ocean where the animals abound and are at peace.  I imagine riding a massive wave on a surfboard and doing it flawlessly, of camping out under the Northern Lights, of having eternity to read all the books I ever wanted to, to play musical instruments, to sit by cozy hearths with a good community of friends.  Probably heaven won’t be like that, but it will be far better.  Yes, I know.  The big thing in heaven is to see God, Jesus.  But it’s easier for me to imagine the ultimate dive on a coral reef than what God will be like.  The picture of worshipping God forever immediately makes me think of all the saints in white robes, not interacting with one another but looking at God in some giant room filled with light.  Can’t get that picture out of my mind, but I know that’s not heaven—that’s the Moonies. The coral reefs have the stamp of their Creator on them, so I’ll stick with them.  And that’s a great solace for me as I look at losing her, knowing that she has that in front of her.

            I’m clearly already mourning her loss.  She is but a shell of what she was before.  With each day, a small piece of her is gone.  No more walks, long talks, dates.  They’re already history, but I am so thankful for my memories, pictures, and my children in whom her spirit lives on.