10/16/16 The Bell Lap

Dear friends and family,

Let me give you a quick update since we last spoke, and then I’d like to share with you something I have been thinking about.  As you know, I had to delay my last chemo by one week, due to the fact that my neutrophils (cells that help fight infection) and my platelets (cells that make your blood clot) were too low.  To remedy the situation, the 1.5 doctors I live with gave me daily shots of a drug that helps my bone marrow grow good cells more rapidly.  The shots had to go in my stomach, and despite Steve’s and Daniel’s tremendous medical skill, they hurt like the dickens and made some colorful bruises that look like blobs of modern abdominal art!  Thankfully, the shots worked and I was able to get my last chemo on October 4.  Thanks to all who prayed for those precious neutrophils and platelets!

Because the chemo schedule got thrown off by a week, I had to go straight from chemo to a previously booked annual charity event that I love, called the Feast at the Market.   The event benefits a wonderful nonprofit called Neighborcare Health, which provides free and sliding fee scale medical care to low-income families at many clinics throughout our community.  For this great fundraising event, you arrive at the Pike Place Market and they give you a coupon book good for one appetizer at about 20 of the Market’s best restaurants!  You go from restaurant to restaurant, enjoying amazing food for three hours, in what has to be the world’s best progressive dinner—and then conclude with a dessert buffet!  Have I ever told you I like desserts?  ;-)  Anyway, I knew I should have given my ticket away.  I knew it would be a mistake.  Renee told me it would be a mistake.  But it is such a fun event and Daniel and Steve were so looking forward to it, that I went.  I ate less and less as the evening wore on and I became sicker and sicker.  I didn’t tell Steve and Daniel how badly I felt, as I didn’t want to ruin the event for them.  But oh my...to put it delicately, things became “dire,” and I suffered not only that evening, but for a day or two after.  Mark my words:  Do NOT attend any type of food-related event immediately following chemotherapy.  Don’t do it.  Don’t even think about it.  Ever.

On a happier note, one week after my nausea-filled chemo week, Steve and I went on our Sunset Magazine prize trip to Tofino, BC!  Vancouver Island is beautiful, and Tofino, in the middle of nowhere on the west coast of Vancouver Island, takes your breath away.  Picture driving past farms and lakes to get there, and then hiking through the freshest, greenest rain forests, with trails leading to long, undeveloped kilometers of majestic Pacific Ocean beaches.  The waves are immense and it is a surfer’s paradise.  On the other side of the quaint town of Tofino is the Clayoquot Sound, dotted with tiny islands to kayak around.  Our hotel room at the Wickaninnish Inn was a stunning two-story suite, with gigantic picture windows—and a Jacuzzi tub (!) looking out over Chesterman Beach.  And the restaurant meals that came with the trip included some of the best food we had eaten in a year or more!  Mark my words:  Plan a trip with someone you love to Tofino, BC.  Walk the beaches.  Hike the trails.  Kayak the sound.  Eat marvelous food.  Get away from it all and refresh your soul.  Seriously.  Do it.  Do it right now!

And now that the life update is complete, let me tell you something I’ve been thinking about…and that something is “the bell lap.”  The bell lap in a harness horse race is the final lap of the race, signaled by the ringing of a bell. The bell rings, and the horses (and drivers) know that the end is near.  Those horses have been running at full speed for many laps, out of breath, dripping sweat, feeling the pull of the bit in their mouths, muscles and joints throbbing.  Then the bell rings, and they know they have just one lap to go before the race is over, and blessed rest awaits them. 

Barring a miracle, my cancer is incurable.  Sure, we can beat it back with surgeries and drugs, and perhaps a little radiation thrown in for good measure.  We can do this for what is currently an unknown period of time, if we ignore statistics that say I should be dead by the five-year mark in January 2018—and we do our best to ignore them, for I am not a statistic to God!

But at some point, I too will be facing my life’s bell lap.  As will you!  I’m not there yet, as far as I know.  I feel as though I have lots of fight left in me, and I want to keep running lap after lap, chemo after chemo, doing my best to endure the suffering that comes with obliterating cancer cells.  But I also talk with God and Steve fairly often, about my hope that I will know and accept when the bell lap is approaching.  That I will hear the bell.  I don’t want to be in denial.  I want to be sure that I’ve said everything that needs saying to all those I love.  That I have lived as fully as one can despite cancer.  And I want to know when it’s finally ok to just give one last push and have the race be over.  All the treatments.  All the nausea.  All the fatigue.  The daily thinking about cancer and what death will be like.  I want so much to be able to recognize the bell lap, and accept it with the assurance from God that I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  2 Timothy 4:7  And the assurance, which I and my family have, that blessed rest, the end of suffering and tears, and eternal life and joy with God and loved ones who have gone before me awaits me in Heaven.  Thanks be to God!

Thank you for reading, for caring about our family, and for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.  I have said before that it takes a village to get through cancer, and you are our precious village!

Love,

Gabrielle

P.S.  Here are some photos from our Sunset Magazine Tofino trip! 

Relaxing against a log on a beach after a hike!

Welcomed to our room with gifts of fruit, chocolate, and port from the hotel and Tourism Tofino!

The view of Chesterman Beach from our living room, bedroom...and jacuzzi tub at the Wickaninnish Inn!

Bundled up for a stormy walk on the beach!

The food at The Pointe restaurant at our hotel was beautiful and as delicious as food can ever be!

Steve. Soul mate. One true love. Forever friend.

More delicious food at Sea Monster Noodle Bar.   And be sure to go to the Wolf in the Fog restaurant too!  I mean it.  Go there!

9/26/16 Low blood counts delay chemo

Dear family and friends,

Well, tomorrow was supposed to be chemo day, so this morning I went in for my pre-chemo blood work.  This afternoon I received a call from my oncologist's office saying my neutrophils are too low to get chemo this week.  Neutrophils are a type of white blood cell needed to fight infections.  We meet with the doctor tomorrow to discuss shots I will begin getting daily to help my bone marrow produce more neutrophils.  Hopefully, I can get chemo one week from today.  Please pray for more neutrophils!  And meanwhile, I need to be extra cautious about being around anyone who is sick, or who has been around a sick person.  With low neutrophils, an illness for me could cause an infection that would spread throughout my body, into my organs (sepsis), and that would be a very bad thing!

The other problem in my blood work is very low platelets.  Platelets are not little plates, such as those used for salad, appetizers, or dessert.  Who am I kidding?  I would never use LITTLE plates for dessert!  Seriously though, platelets are the cells that allow your blood to clot.  I have to be very cautious right now to not fall or injure myself in any way, producing both the kind of bleeding where you get a cut and the blood comes out of your body, and the kind of bleeding that makes bruises when you bang into something, like your steering wheel in a fender bender.  For example, I am prohibited from riding my bike now, as a fall off my bike with low platelets could be very dangerous.  So please pray for more platelets too!  And always use big plates for dessert!

Overall, I think I may have been doing too much lately.  I try to cram as much into a day as I can, knowing that my days may not go on forever, but this doesn't allow me sufficient rest.  For example, today I went to the hospital for blood work, dropped something off at a friend's house, went to my Bible study at SPU, walked with a friend, vacuumed, swept, and did dishes, went to the grocery store and pharmacy, had a mom, infant, and two-year-old visit me for 1.5 hours, and 15 minutes later, my childhood best friend showed up to have dinner with me (a real treat, by the way, as she lives way up north). This is too much in one day for any person, and especially for a cancer patients in chemo with low blood counts!  I am just as exhausted writing all that as I was doing it all today!  New resolution: no more than two main things in a day.  For example, a) I'm going to get some exercise today and b) I'm going to have coffee with a friend.  That's it!  Two things!  I need more rest to help my body recover between chemos.

Speaking of rest, I am now, at last, after this much too busy day, going to put on my PJs and watch a new fall TV show before bed.  Aahhh...sounds heavenly.  May you, too, find more rest in the rhythm of your busy days and weeks.  "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

With gratitude for your love and prayers,

Gabrielle

P.S.  Here are some examples of restful things!

Naps with your favorite bear.

Being at Cannon Beach.

Playdough.

Boat rides.

Reading.

8/23/16 Good Scans!

Dear family and friends,

This is just a very quick post to let you know that my PET/CT scans showed that the cancer is shrinking!  The chemo combination I am on is working, and we couldn't be more thankful.  There is still cancer present (though less of it!), so we must continue with chemo every 28 days for the foreseeable future.  We will scan again in about three and a half months.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your love, prayers, and support.  It takes a village to fight cancer and all who read this blog, and many who don't, are part of our village.  

My Psalm this morning, before meeting with the doctor for the scan results, was Psalm 40. "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."  Psalm 40:1-3

God has heard my, and your, cries for healing, and has lifted my spirits out of the slimy pit today--giving me hope and strength to get through next Tuesday's chemo.  Today I have a firm place to stand, and a song of praise in my mouth.  And soon there will some homemade pizza in my mouth, followed by a Menchie's frozen yogurt to celebrate!  :-)

Love,

Gabrielle

P.S.  Things that make me happy besides good scans:

Walks with Renee, Riley, and Jericho!

Hikes to Talapus Lake with Steve!

Eating dinner at Mediterranean Kitchen in Bellevue!

Holding two-month-olds!

Hearing about Daniel's clerkships--putting in new hips and delivering babies!

8/21/16 Thoughts the day before my August scans

Dear friends and family,

You know how people tell you not to Google your symptoms or your diagnosis if you have been having health troubles?  The worry is that you will become overly fearful after reading about all the terrible illnesses you may have or the worst-case scenarios for a diagnosis you have recently received.  Well I would like to add one more warning for you—do NOT read about your illness in American Family Physician magazine!

Now I know that most of you are not living with 1.5 physicians like I am, and you probably don’t come across medical journals when you flip through your mail.  But as I flipped through my mail, I found the June issue of American Family Physician with it’s full-color cover featuring that month’s in-depth article on, you guessed it, ovarian cancer.  With a gnawing feeling that I should not read the article, I grabbed a cup of tea and a couple of cookies and sat down to read the article, start to finish. 

I’ve heard that most of us only remember one key idea when later reflecting back on a lecture, sermon, or article we’ve read.  Here is the line that is stuck in my head from the ovarian cancer article:  “The five-year survival rate for women with advanced-stage tumors is only 17% to 28%.” 

Well, I was diagnosed with advanced-stage tumors 3-1/2 years ago.  And I probably wonder, about twenty times a day, if I will be in the 72% to 83% who, statistically, will be dead in another year and a half.   What is a person to do with these grim factoids swirling continually in one’s brain?

Here’s what I did, and what I do, on a daily basis.  What I did, is rip the page with that crummy statistic right out of that journal (and no, Steve and Daniel had not read that issue of the journal yet), I folded it into a tiny square, and opened my little container of mustard seeds.  I put that tiny paper square into the mustard seed container, put the lid back on, and set it back on my desk in the kitchen, where I can look at it every day.  And what I do, when the fearful thoughts creep in about 20 times a day, is look at that container, or if I’m not home, remind myself about it, and remember that it takes only faith as small as the tiny mustard seed to overcome huge obstacles.  Jesus said to His disciples in Matthew 17:20, “Truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

I am not a giant of the faith.  I am no C.S. Lewis or Martin Luther.  But I do have the tiniest mustard seed of faith that I could be in the 17% to 28% of women who survive longer than five years, because I belong to God and He is not bound by earthly medical statistics.  If He wants me around, then around I will be, by a miracle of His Hands.  I remind myself too, that He is the Great Physician and even the wind and the waves, and the cancer cells and the scans, obey Him.  And when the time comes that He calls me to my Heavenly home, my mustard seed of faith knows it will not be one second before or after I am meant to be there.  So I will continue to redirect my negative, fearful thoughts, to the little container of mustard seeds with the folded up piece of paper in it, and rest in the knowledge that I am in the very best of Hands. 

Love,

Gabrielle

P.S.  Tomorrow (Monday, August 22^nd) are my PET and CT scans at UW Hospital.  They take place in the morning and then we meet with the doctor at 2:30 PM for the news.  Thank you for your prayers as we go into that day, that our tiny seeds of faith will feel huge, and that we will have God’s peace which passes all human understanding.  Thank you!

Here are my mustard seeds and there is that article, given to God in faith that I will NOT be a statistic!

7/28/16 In sickness and in health

Dear Family and Friends,

A couple of weeks ago I entered a contest in Sunset Magazine to try to win a trip to Tofino, BC, which is on the Pacific Ocean on the west coast of Vancouver Island in Canada.  To enter, you had to write about why you deserved to win.  I wrote about wanting to win for my wonderful husband, Steve, and told them about the many ways he has fulfilled his promise, all those years ago, to love me, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live.  Guess what?  We won the contest, and in October will enjoy a fully paid trip to Tofino, courtesy of Sunset Magazine!  

In honor of Steve, and the tremendous gift from God that he has been to me, I want to share with you the words Renee spoke as she officiated our Vow Renewal Ceremony on the beach in Maui on our 32nd anniversary a year and a half ago.  Oh, and just so you know, the ceremony concluded with Daniel serenading us with two songs on his ukulele--Fools Rush In and Groovy Kind of Love.  As you will see when you read this, despite cancer and the struggles of having to consider my mortality at too young an age, I have had the best life, and I am so thankful to all of you who have played a role in making it so.  

Love, Gabrielle

Words shared by Renee Dudley as she officiated our vow renewal ceremony on our 

32^nd anniversary!

December 18, 2014

Mom and Dad,

We are here together in God’s presence in this beautiful place to celebrate your last 32 years together and to witness the renewal of your commitment to one another.  The last time you stood together to affirm your love for each other, you were both younger than me.  And while twenty-somethings often think they know everything, you really had no idea what your futures together would hold. 

You didn’t know that Dad would finish vet school and move right along to med school.  You didn’t know Mom’s career in fund raising would take her all the way to the White House and then back to her alma mater, SPU.  You didn’t know you’d move from charming Pullman, to a flea-infested house in Linden, to a place in Lake City with a giant back yard, and then to a big house near King’s with an unbelievable four bathrooms.  You didn’t know you’d get to travel together to Mexico, the Caribbean, Alaska, all over Europe, and back here to where you honeymooned in Hawaii.  You didn’t know that you would have two amazing children—a gloriously good-looking and brilliant daughter, Renee, and also a boy named Daniel.  Who, to be fair, is talented and handsome to an absurd degree. 

You didn’t know 32 years ago all the joys you’d experience together—celebrating when each of you were published in various trade journals and newspapers; getting promotions and raises; finally buying a boat; vacationing in your favorite places; eating in incredible restaurants like Canlis and the Herbfarm; and watching your kids grow from cute babies to a future doctor and a future trust officer, both of whom love God and care about people. 

But you also had no idea, all those years ago, the trials that lay ahead—times of immense stress, loss, discord in our extended family, years of difficult graduate schooling and little money, and more health struggles than belong in any one family.  You didn’t know any of this was coming, but God did, and that’s why He gave you each other.  He knew even before you did that your life’s joys would be exponentially sweeter for being shared with one another, and more importantly, He knew you would need each other to get through all the trials.  Dad, even back when you were a little twerp running around Australia with not quite shiny enough shoes, God knew it would be Mom who eventually encouraged you through all your various careers and who listened to your worries and your doubts.  And Mom, back when you were marching into John Hay Elementary School asserting your right to wear pants to school, God knew it would be Dad who would one day hold your hand when you were diagnosed with cancer, and who would do anything to ease your burdens when you were discouraged.  It is so clear that God had you picked out for each other. 

I have watched with admiration over the years as you have leaned on each other and worked together through every hard time, each of you seamlessly picking up where the other leaves off.  In Deuteronomy 31, God promises:  “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”  This can be a frustrating verse when everything is crashing down around us and we feel like God is nowhere to be seen.  But I believe that God’s presence in our lives most often takes the form of other people showing us God’s love.  When each of you was born, God promised never to forsake you, no matter what came.  He fulfilled that promise to you by giving you each other.  He has provided comfort and support through every trial in the form of your spouse.  You are each the other person’s greatest gift from God, and that is what we celebrate today. 

For 32 years you have done a remarkable job fulfilling the promises to each other in that Christmas-decorated church in lower Queen Anne.  And now we’re back in Hawaii, where you first celebrated your marriage, to witness as you recommit yourselves to each other.

[Then Renee said a beautiful prayer and Steve and I read our new hand-written vows, sobbing, and Renee concluded by having us repeat these vows she wrote for us]:

With this ring, I promise to love you, support you, care for you, and serve God with you, all the days of my life. 

There is no greater gift from God than to get to
walk through life married to your best friend.  :-)

7/6/16 Recent chemo news

Hi, friends.  Steve here, just checking in with a quick update. 

     Yesterday was the second session of the more intense chemotherapy at UW.  Instead of a single medicine (Doxil), she is now getting that one plus one other one, carboplatin or cisplatin, I forget which.  Anyhow, it is hoped that the dual therapy will bring about more shrinkage in the cancer cells.  Unfortunately, it is indeed a two-edged sword, as with the added medicine, there are more side effects.  Whereas with Doxil alone, she would have a couple of lousy days and then be a whirlwind of energy for the rest of the month, this last dual session really took her to the mat for a couple of weeks (see previous post).  They did decrease the dose of one of the medicines, and that should help.

     It was a long day yesterday: 10:30 to about 4:30.   She had a nice visit with one of the nurse practitioners, Diana, who offered some helpful tips about foods to eat and such.  Upon finding out that Diana is an SPU grad, they had an instant connection.  I told Diana that she is lucky that Gabrielle is retired or she would have hit her up for a donation.  Labs looked good and the CA-125 (tumor marker) had even dropped a tad!  She got her medicine in, managed to order some tasty food from the cafeteria and squeeze in a couple of Scrabble games with yours truly to boot.  I am happy to report that I took full advantage of her sleepiness and won by a good margin on the second game.  I forget who won the first game.

     We are hoping for a stress-free day today, full of rest and relaxation--once she gets her chores done, of course--and since she claims "chemo brain makes me forgetful", I have given her a detailed list--I am so caring in that regard.  I have to work today, so won't be around to supervise.  After seeing the last pre-insurance amount for chemo, I am so thankful that we do have insurance through my work. 

     Since she will be home alone, she might like a cheery message or two via e-mail or Facebook.  She knows about Facebook and such and apparently checks it at least on a daily basis. 

     I will end with something I posted back in May, 2013, and which I just came across this morning while I was reading in the Psalms.  This one is for you, Gabrielle, my love...once you get those chores done (see list on kitchen counter)...

Gabrielle who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  She will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust".  

Psalm 91: 1-2 RSV*
(Revised Steve Version)

Addendum:
Chore police checking in...
Apparently, for a brief moment when my back was turned, Gabrielle got up and took one gander at the chore list then she was heard to utter something under her breath which I really ought not repeat here and then bolted.  Said that she was on her way to volunteer at Children's, holding babies and encouraging the families of kids who are staying there.  She left in a flurry, grabbing a banana and her sky blue volunteer jacket as she headed out the door in a blaze of glory.  Apparently, this chemo ain't gonna limit what she loves to do!
Now, I ask you, what's more important...ironing my socks or volunteering at Children's?  Kind of a no-brainer, if you ask me.