10/6/18 Post-chemo day update

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Dear Family and Friends,

Why am I in my pajamas looking out at the beautiful, sunny fall day instead of out walking in it?  Because it’s the day after chemo and a nauseous stomach requires being still.  I had great counts for chemo day—strong neutrophils (white cells that fight infection), strong platelets (that clot blood), and my hematocrit was 27 (if it drops two more points I will get a transfusion), but this is enough red blood cells to allow me to walk 2-3 miles on the flat—just no hills or stairs. 

I was very tired arriving at chemo at 8:30 AM yesterday and my sweet chemo nurse, Jocelyn, gave me a private room with a bed!  I didn’t even mind that Daniel beat me at Scrabble, I was just so happy to be lying down! 

Best news of all is my CA-125 tumor marker dropped from 700 to 452!  We need to get it to 35 or under, so we have a long way to go, but having started at 3,000, we are making great progress!  And one more piece of good news—I went to get my fluid drained from my abdomen this week and they said there wasn’t enough to drain!  This means my liver tumor is shrinking and not making as much fluid anymore.  Hooray!

On another note, my family and I went through a difficult thing this week.  We had a dreaded family meeting.  When our kids were little, all you needed to fill them with fear was to tell them we were going to have a family meeting!  This one was probably the hardest one ever, because we wanted to go over “final things” so that we can be prepared for when my time comes. 

My goal is to die at home with the help of Providence Hospice and my core team—Steve, Renée, Riley, and Daniel (plus Adrienne if she’s here).  We will enjoy Christian music and hymns, soft lighting, prayers, Frasier episodes, and a pastor visit.  We will entertain limited visits from my closest friends and family when I feel up to it.  And of course, we will be glad to hit the morphine pump when pain dictates we do so!

We also went over final documents like wills, powers of attorney, health care directives, beneficiary designation forms, how to pay different bills, etc.  Lastly, I have made DVDs for Steve, Renee, Daniel and Jericho, which are kept with my will.  I think they will love having some final words from me (with perhaps some dances and singing thrown in just for fun)! 

After the family meeting, we needed a little lightening up, so we drove out to Snohomish for some mini golf.  The wind across the flats definitely let us know that summer has given way to fall.  It was a fun way to cap off a stressful afternoon, even if Steve's little pink golf ball needed a few more strokes than Daniel’s blue one to find the holes. 

I hope you and your family don’t need a dreaded family meeting anytime soon!  But it does feel better knowing we are all on the same page with my wishes and are somewhat prepared for when the time comes.  Hopefully, thanks to your prayers and God’s mercy, that time will be a LONG time from now! 

I will close with this writing I love by Anne Lamott:  “Grief is holy ground.  Death is as sacred as birth.  Don’t worry!  Almost every single death is easy and gentle with the very best people surrounding you for as long as you need or want.  You won’t be alone.  They’ll help you cross over to Heaven that awaits you.  When all is said and done, we’re really all just walking each other home.” 

Well, back to my resting.  I have to be rested before Jericho comes tomorrow.  We will take him to Sunday school, then work on biking without training wheels (!), and as a reward, he gets to help bake pumpkin bars with cream cheese icing and little candy corn pumpkins on top.  A great day will be had by all!

With love and gratitude,

Gabrielle

Butternut squash and spinach enchiladas at Cactus!  We boated over to the one in Kirkland.

My boating/eating partners!

Posing by our favorite animal sculpture--rabbits!

Daniel's homemade fresh raspberry lemon cupcakes. The icing is his homemade lemon curd and mascarpone.  Delicious!

Jericho feeding ducks at Green Lake!

Lots of little friends.

Daniel and I made homemade ravioli this week.  Two kinds--cheeses and sundried tomatoes in pink sauce and butternut squash and browned butter with sage.

Mini golf in the freezing wind!

Quick--get me to the warm car with the heated seats!  Daniel won!

In goes Jericho! 

Riley didn't think this lavender bridesmaid dress would look good on her, but she is lovely as always!

My greatest life's achievement was raising these two amazing young adults!

9/16/18 Provider Fatigue

Dear Friends and Family,

I’ve been busy lately with what Steve terms “provider fatigue.”  In the past two weeks I’ve been in the ER twice, had a surgery to put in a new chemo port on my right side after the one on the left side became infected and had to be removed, had a chest x-ray, have had a long needle suck out fluid that has built up on my abdomen, and of course, have had chemo.  If I never had to visit a doctor, dentist, surgeon, or radiologist again, I would be a happy camper.

After Friday’s chemo I was terribly sick.  Nausea, diarrhea, stomach pain, etc. I get depressed and reflective on these bad days, wondering if the joy in my life outweighs the suffering.  Yesterday, the answer would have been no.  But today, I woke up feeling better, able to eat. Steve, Daniel, Renee, Riley, and Jericho are all here, building a lego airport, after which we will head to the park for a bit before naptime.  Today has a good amount of joy—hopefully enough to see me through the next lousy day.   “Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

I have had a total of five chemos in this round and my tumor marker has dropped from 3000 (a truly terrifying number) to 703.  This is great news, but it needs to continue dropping a lot in order for me to actually feel better in my day to day life.  I do not know if God has a remission in mind for me or if through the suffering He is preparing me for Heaven where “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed.” Rev. 21:4  What tremendous hope the future holds for all who belong to Jesus.

Thank you to all who pray for my family and me.  And to those who have made us the best soup and chicken divan, who have sent cards that cheer me and have dropped by flowers and treats.  I love you all for standing with us in the hardest battle of our lives.

Love,

Gabrielle

Waiting patiently for swim lesson.

Spinach, cheese, bean quesadilla and apples for lunch.  He likes to announce "I'm a spinach man now!"

First day of Sunday School deserves a chocolate donut.

Seattle Storm Fever!

Long walk at Discovery Park

Just finished her other book, The Great Alone, and now I'm on to The Nightingale.

Daniel has perfected my grandma's popovers!  Yummo!

9/1/18 Another chemo bites the dust

Dear family and friends,

Yep, it’s me again, Steve.  Gabrielle is still licking her wounds from the sound thrashing I gave her in Scrabble yesterday…OK, so I only won by three points, but it still was nice to see the bold “Steve has won the game!” along with a bunch of flashing stars around my name on that final screen.  Guess I won’t be trying to hide the game next outing!

But, more importantly, Gabrielle had another chemo session yesterday.  We have settled into a routine in which she gets chemo (Taxol) two Fridays in a row, followed by two weeks off, and then we start all over again.  She tolerates the chemo relatively well, but is getting the expected side effects of nausea, fatigue, nerve pain and decreased immune system—all of which she takes in stride, and also give me a very slight (not much) twinge of guilt for beating her in Scrabble.  

Once home, we settled in to watch the Tom Hanks movie Captain Phillips with Daniel and Adrienne, about a cargo ship getting hijacked off the coast of Somalia.  For the next hour after the movie ended, I walked around saying, “Look at me! I’m the captain now!”  and “No, games, Irish!  I’m the captain now!”  If those references are lost on you, well then you will just have to see the movie.  Apparently, Adrienne thinks I am quite good at impressions and has now added a Somali pirate to the list of people she thinks I have nailed which includes, but is not limited to Ice T, Steve Irwin, Barney the purple dinosaur and Sean Connery.  She hasn’t seen my Dr. House impression yet.  Am saving that one for later.

I am pleased to report that the chemo clearly seems to be helping.  Her jaundice has cleared up, along with her puffy feet and she generally feels better.  However, she is still collecting fluid in her abdomen and needs to get it drained about every 10 days or so.  Like everything, she is even competitive in that and was disappointed that last time, they only got 2 liters out, whereas the time before they drained 2.5 liters.  To me, in this situation, less if better.

She is just conquering a bladder infection and has been able to cut back from two antibiotics to one.  Also, although this upcoming week is an “off week”, chemo-wise, she still has some doctor visits: one to the dermatologist for a persistent rash, another to check on her old port site which is still draining after being surgically removed two months ago, and one final visit to get a new port put in.  That last one, about getting a new port is nice, it will make getting chemo much easier again.  For the past four sessions, she has not had the power port and they have had to start IV’s each time which can take a while.  It was almost an hour to get the last one started.

So, all in all, we’re managing relatively well in the Dudley/Ice T/Captain Phillips/Barney household.  A final phrase from the movie that we tell each other when cancer is beating us down is this one:  "Everything's gonna be ok, Irish."  

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Phil. 4:6-7

Love,

Steve (& Gabrielle)

Reneé looking elegant as she prepares to officiate the wedding of her friends, Dani and Jeff, at the Beacon Hill Winery in Oregon.

I want a donut wall in my house!

Dani and Jeff, first dance!

After seeing that donut wall, we had to swing through Portland to get some of the best donuts in the world.

Daniel and me on a walk by the sea.

Adrienne, Daniel, and me hitting up the Maltby Cafe for breakfast!

I am on a quest to find the best berry milkshake in Seattle, after having an amazing one at the Tillamook Cheese Factory.  First try--Red Mill Burgers.  Seven out of ten.

Steve can't figure out why he keeps running out of shaving cream!

My beautiful daughters!

Dani's Mom, Joan, made a beautiful mother of the bride.  

8/25/18 A+ visit yesterday!!

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Dear Friends and Family,

Steve here.  Yesterday was another chemo day.  We have gotten into a pretty set routine with these days.  It goes like this:  

1.  Before chemo appointment, I usually race around the house collecting things for the upcoming long day and stuff them into my backpack.  Essential items include crossword puzzle, snacks, bottled water.  I try and surreptitiously leave Scrabble out, but Gabrielle always asks for it, and “forgetting” isn’t an option, so it goes in the bag as well.

2.  I then start pestering Gabrielle that it is time to go, but she always tells me to chill, that we have plenty of time.  We usually reach a compromise on when she would like to leave and when I want to (allowing for traffic).  We then argue halfway down I-5 on which exit to take: opt for side streets or “punch it out on the main line”.  If Daniel is along, he usually chimes in with his Google Maps advice on the quickest way, which I ignore about 95% of the time (what does it know??).  

3.  Gabrielle gets her labs drawn and then kills time for an hour waiting for them to be processed, often with a walk along the Montlake Cut.

4.  Meets with either the nurse practitioner or the ob-gyn fellow to go over the labs and discuss how things are going.

5.  If all the labs look fine, then chemo is a “go” and we wait for the pharmacy to mix up the meds before it drips in.

That’s how it went yesterday, but Daniel was the one who took her while I slipped off to work.  At the visit with the nurse practitioner, Gabrielle learned that her labs were “A plus!.” Her liver tests, which had been quite elevated had all dropped to “almost normal,” and other labs looked good too.  She was quite pleased with Gabrielle’s progress and how she is feeling.  The only test that hadn’t come back was the tumor marker, CA-125, but ARNP Diane said that she would track Gabrielle down in chemo and give her the results.

As a matter of background, this was in the mid 100’s when she was diagnosed and then dropped, then rose, then rose some more.  Earlier this summer it quickly went from 400 to 800.  A few weeks back, it spiked even more ominously all the way up to over 3,300!  Not a good sign, not by a longshot. 

Midway through chemo, Diane showed up with a huge smile on her face with the news that this had dropped by over 2,000 points to just over 1,000!  What a wonderful bit of news that was!  We are all so happy that the Taxol is knocking the tumors back.

But this round of chemo is also pretty rough on her.  Hair is falling out in clumps, and as I write this, Daniel is dusting off his barber skills and finishing the job, getting rid of the wayward tufts of hair.  It is hard on her stomach as well with alternating bouts of bloating and constipation.  She still is collecting abdominal fluid and needed to go in and have it drained again this week.

But do you think all of this would slow her down?  Not a chance!  Two days ago, we went for a day trip to Whidbey Island, and she walked for an hour at a beautiful spot called Ebey’s Landing.  And in half an hour, we will leave for a wedding in the greater Portland area in which Renée is officiating.  You go, girl!

All in all, we are quite pleased with her progress, a far cry from how she was feeling just a few weeks ago.  To me, it is an answer to prayer, and the medicines too, of course.  Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go pack.  I might accidentally leave Scrabble behind.  As for the crossword puzzle, I almost have last Sunday’s NY Times done, but am stumped on: “box of 12 question marks?”: four letters: J, blank, blank, Y.  Any ideas? 

Love,

Steve

Re-charging our souls at Canon Beach!

8/12/18 Topsy-Turvy

Dear Family and Friends,

Steve has been doing most of the blog posts as I’ve lived a topsy-turvy life this past month.  I give thanks to God and my dear husband and children who have seen me through it all.

1)  Two trips to Houston brought tons of tests and disappointment.  Yes to the first trial.  A week later, no to the first trial.  Yes to the second trial.  A week later, no to the second trial.  Home to resume care under my Seattle oncologist, Dr. Goff.

2)  Hospitalization at Northwest Hospital with an infected port. Port surgically removed.  Sent home with some complex mouth infection, which has included bloody sores so painful that even liquid touching them made me cry.

3)  Back home with disorientation and inability to balance.  I didn’t know where I was or whose house I was in.  I couldn’t finish a thought or answer a question coherently.  I slept constantly anytime I saw a place to lay my head.  This was very distressing for all of us.  But perhaps the strangest of all was my new introduction to the world of falls.

4)  I have always been a very steady and athletic person.  But all of the sudden, I was falling about 3-5 times per day.  Falling down stairs.  Falling over in the bathroom.  Falling on walks.  But my favorite of all was the now infamous “bunny fall.”

We have an odd contraption/fence/stairs thing that allows us to reach our bunny habitat for feeding, playing, and visits.  I am forbidden from crossing this contraption without help.  However, one day only Daniel was home and while he was in the shower, I was getting tired of waiting to see the bunnies.  Let me set this up further by saying Steve had been recently cleaning and needed a place to set two giant loads of unfolded laundry.  He temporarily placed the two baskets right across from the end of the bunny gate next to Daniel’s bathroom door.  I make the climb to go see the bunnies and when done with my visit, I returned to the fence contraption and started to climb. I placed one hand on each wall, and as I tried to lift my legs over the four-foot high fence, my feet and hands caught.  I looked to the left, looked to the right. Looked straight ahead and realized I had but one choice—to let my body fall full force forward, head first, into the two baskets of laundry, while my feet and hands were still stuck on the fence!  I then rolled out onto the ground screaming for Daniel, who came flying out of the shower (towel on) to see my predicament.  After a thorough exam I was left with nothing but a bad headache.  I had been upset to have that laundry there but now we know—it was for good reason!

5)  Day by day my mouth has healed, infections are gone, sensical speech has returned, and I finally passed my goal of 7 days of no falls so I no longer require assistance everywhere I walk and go.  Such freedom!

6)  Other issues have appeared.  I have hugely puffy ankles now, which we will discuss with the doctor Friday.  My circumference is like a giant pumpkin now as the cancer in my liver grows and fills my belly with liquids.  We are attempting some chemo on Fridays to slow the growth and hopefully slow the pain. My basket of pain meds is about as large as our laundry room. 

As I watch my husband sacrifice in so many ways to care for me in sickness, I send out these words of love to him written by singer Dan Fogelberg:

Through the years as the fire starts to mellow
Burning lines in the book of our lives
Though the binding cracks
And the pages start to yellow
I'll be in love with you
I'll be in love with you

To my children, who are missing work to care for me and loving and serving me as Jesus has taught them, I am so incredibly blessed to be your Mom and am so very proud of you. And I’m also so blessed to have a daughter-in-law like Riley, who shows up to the hospital at 2 am with provisions or comes over after a long day of work to wash dishes.

And my hymn for the week reminds me that through daily pain, suffering, and sorrow, keeping my eyes on Jesus makes it well with my soul.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

It is well with my soul;
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And has shed his own blood for my soul.

My sin—O the bliss of this glorious thought!—
My sin, not in part, but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more;
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

O Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll,
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend;
"Even so"—it is well with my soul.

Horatio Spafford

Thank you for your love and prayers for us.  And oh—for the delivery of flowers, cards, and my favorite—slices of Simply Desserts Cake!  Small rays of sunshine interrupting suffering and filling me with joy!

Love,

Gabrielle

PS – Breaking news as of Friday afternoon: my blood counts were good so I was able to get chemo today. Hooray!

Outdoor fun with Sunny

Lake Chelan

Richmond Beach

Richmond Beach

Lake Chelan with Marti and Merle

Jericho visit yesterday

Sunny loves his "hello kitty" towel

After removing two liters of fluid off my belly, I'm eager to get discharged from  the hospital yesterday!

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