1/19/19 Weekend update

Gabrielle continues to sleep much of the time, with the only change being a shift from the couch to the basement to the bedroom.  When she is in the basement, we have the TV on in the background, but she is far from tracking on anything.  She isn't talking any more beyond saying a single word when we ask her where she wants to go: "upstairs", "bathroom".  However, for some reason, she did refer to the bedside commode we got for her as "Satan's spawn".  I have never heard her refer to anything by those words before!  We were just trying to make it more convenient for her.  At least we tried!
I believe her pain is under better control and we try and stay ahead of it.  She only has a minimal interest in food but we keep trying to offer her things, hoping to inspire her to take a bite of something.  This afternoon, she had one bite of cake that friends brought over...gee, I guess that means that there may be some left for me!
We have had some nice visits from the hospice nurse, Whitney.  She has been helpful in providing suggestions as to how to manage various symptoms.
I also wanted to relate some inspiring words from my brother, Paul, who texted me this week.  He has volunteered for many years (well over 20) at Camp Goodtimes, which is a camp on Vashon Island for kids with cancer.  Don't ask me why, but his camp name is Moose Lips.  He is quite the outgoing, charismatic guy.  He even has a tie dyed suit: jacket and slacks--looks like he is in a time warp from Haight Ashbury (another "old guy" reference).  The other day, he sent me these words:  
"People always say 'they lost their battle with cancer'.  That's BS.  Cancer warriors deal with the unimaginable and yet, your warrior wife has had her head held high and chose long ago to be very open about her cancer roller coaster in order to help others and she obviously has.  What a gift she has been to so many others who are out there struggling.  Tears are good.  Holding them could cause a pipe to break somewhere internally.  Tears are just love's way of overflowing from your body."  
Good, wise words, don't you think?
As I write these words, I am in the living room with the fireplace turned on (so much easier than a "real" wood fire), she is resting peacefully on the couch.  It's peaceful here, so much more peaceful than being in a cold hospital bed somewhere.
Every morning I give Gabrielle a good morning kiss and at night, it's three kisses.  She still puckers up, and at times she even smiles, especially if I have brushed my teeth first.  I am already looking forward to my goodnight kisses.  I'll brush first.  Maybe I'll get an extra kiss if I do.  
Oh, and just in case you are curious what a tie-dyed suit looks like (or one of my brothers for that matter), here it is.  As you can see, he got the good looks, and the good wardrobe.  Oh, and he just told me that you too can have a suit like this for $23.95 online from Walmart!

1/17/19 Slow dwindles

The latest news is that there isn’t much news. It’s just more of the same.  She has been getting more restless, though. She will position herself just so on the couch, lie down and look like she is all set, and then ten minutes later sit up and want to move to the easy chair where she repeats the process. Maybe makes it fifteen minutes, then decides it’s time to go upstairs to stretch out on her bed.  Her interest in food is close to nil, though we try and tempt her with anything she wants.  Yesterday’s “breakfast” consisted of several sips of orange juice and about ten blueberries and raspberries.  Afterwards, out of the blue, she told us she wanted to go for a drive and expressed interest in a Dick’s strawberry milkshake, of all things.  Daniel bundled her up and off they went, only to find out that Dick’s isn’t open at 9:00 AM.  They tried to settle for something at Starbuck’s but she didn’t like it.  

Hospice nurse came by and hooked up a bag of IV fluids to see if that would perk her up.  It didn’t seem to change things much.

It appears we have the pain fairly well under control.  

I think the thing I miss the most about her, at this point, is the fact that she doesn’t talk much.  Certainly, we can’t engage her in any conversation beyond asking her what she needs or wants.  And even then, about half the time, when we do ask, she doesn’t answer back, just looks off into space.  But she will have her moments when she perks up, smiles.  And she is still very pleasant to everyone, and even thanked the home health care nurse after hooking up the IV.  What a trooper!

I also wanted to mention that Gabrielle is not up to seeing visitors at this point.  She appreciates everything that folks have been doing for her (and for us), but has said that she just wants to rest quietly for now.  Thank you for understanding.

And, just for fun, here's a picture I took of her when we went to Zion National Park in 2015.  I think the word "Champions" applies to her as well, don't you?  She champions everything, and is indeed a Champion, with a major capital "C"!

            

1/14/19 Monday update

OK, here’s the short version:  she continues to decline.  She is quite weak and has been sleeping most of the day. Yesterday, she had a few visitors. Her Bible study came by and she even took Communion.  I wasn’t home for that, as I was at church getting the “real deal”.  She has been wanting to go to bed at 4:00 PM, but we have been trying to get her to stay up till 7:00.  Yesterday, we figured, “what the heck?” and let her have her 4:00 PM bedtime.  When she sleeps, she is so peaceful.  

Today, we will be having a home health nurse come by to assess her.  Not a whole lot else on the books today.  

However, speaking of church, I was struck by one of the Bible passages that was read.  Here it is, from Isaiah 43:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; 

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

² When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers, 

they will not sweep over you. 

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned; 

the flames will not set you ablaze.

³ For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom, 

Cushand Seba in your stead.

⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight, 

and because I love you, 

I will give people in exchange for you, 

nations in exchange for your life. 

⁵ Do not be afraid,for I am with you;

            I will bring your children from the east 

            and gather you from the west.

I love the imagery of passing through the waters and not being swept away by the rivers.

And that’s the latest update.  However, if you are curious about what’s going on in Steve’s head, here is what I wrote in my journal this morning (aside: for some reason, I started keeping a journal around age 14 and haven’t been able to kick the habit ever since).

She is declining so rapidly.  Every day I wake up and think that today will be the day she sees Jesus face to face.  It seems even more so the past few days.  She literally slept 23 hours yesterday.  Hospice got started and they have been helpful.  We have a nurse coming today.  I just want her to be at peace.  I don’t know that I agree with that statement, “death, where is they sting?”. It stings oh so much.  I do agree with the second part: “grave, where is they victory?”.  So comforting to know that she will be in paradise and rid of her pain and suffering. The Bible only has images of heaven, metaphors.  The only one who saw heaven for himself was Paul and it was too wonderful to even talk about.  Boy, it’s going to be good!  I sometimes daydream about what it may be like knowing full well that it won’t be anything like that, only better.  I think that I’ll get to scuba dive crystal clear waters but won’t need a scuba tank in an ocean where the animals abound and are at peace.  I imagine riding a massive wave on a surfboard and doing it flawlessly, of camping out under the Northern Lights, of having eternity to read all the books I ever wanted to, to play musical instruments, to sit by cozy hearths with a good community of friends.  Probably heaven won’t be like that, but it will be far better.  Yes, I know.  The big thing in heaven is to see God, Jesus.  But it’s easier for me to imagine the ultimate dive on a coral reef than what God will be like.  The picture of worshipping God forever immediately makes me think of all the saints in white robes, not interacting with one another but looking at God in some giant room filled with light.  Can’t get that picture out of my mind, but I know that’s not heaven—that’s the Moonies. The coral reefs have the stamp of their Creator on them, so I’ll stick with them.  And that’s a great solace for me as I look at losing her, knowing that she has that in front of her.

            I’m clearly already mourning her loss.  She is but a shell of what she was before.  With each day, a small piece of her is gone.  No more walks, long talks, dates.  They’re already history, but I am so thankful for my memories, pictures, and my children in whom her spirit lives on.

1/12/19 Signed up for hospice

Things have been pretty quiet around here today.  We were blessed that my brother Paul and his wife Heidi made a special trip in from "the boonies" (Poulsbo) to bring my mother over for a visit.  She lives in Redmond, so there was a fair bit of driving on their part.  Thanks, guys!

As for Gabrielle, she has been having a mellow, mostly sleepy, day around the house.  She ate a little breakfast before my mom's visit.  Afterwards, we went for a short walk along the Edmonds waterfront by the marina:  

I left to take my mom home, and the rest of the gang made a bee line for Anthony's where Gabrielle ordered a salad to go.  Nothing like Anthony's to get the salivary juices flowing!

Pain continues to be an issue, but we are trying to stay on top of it.  I have told her many times to let us know if she is in pain, and she replied that sometimes, she just doesn't think of it.  Talk about stoic!

We have indeed asked the hospice folks to come around and they will be here tomorrow for an "intake" and assessment of the situation.  We are all at peace with this decision, though that doesn't make it any easier to see her health slowly slip away.  But she is so strong and looks forward to an eternity without pain.  She told Renee yesterday that she could feels the arms of Jesus drawing her closer. 

I have asked her is she wanted me to read any e-mails or texts to her, and she said "not now".  She is in a pensive and reflective mood much of the time.  I will wait and read them to her later.  Feel free to continue to text or e-mail her.  We will get around to reading them to her when she is in the mood.

One problem with napping during the day, is that time gets a little confused.  We were downstairs watching TV and Gabrielle said she was ready for bed, though it was only 3:50.  We will try and keep her occupied till 7:00.  That appears to be her new bedtime.

Not much else to report on this end, but I know that she has many friends who love her dearly and I want to keep you in the loop as much as possible.  

Blessings all around!

1/11/19 Mellow day today

Things have been pretty quiet around here today.  We were blessed that my brother Paul and his wife Heidi made a special trip in from "the boonies" (Poulsbo) to bring my mother over for a visit.  She lives in Redmond, so there was a fair bit of driving on their part.  Thanks, guys!

As for Gabrielle, she has been having a mellow, mostly sleepy, day around the house.  She ate a little breakfast before my mom's visit.  Afterwards, we went for a short walk along the Edmonds waterfront by the marina:  

I left to take my mom home, and the rest of the gang made a bee line for Anthony's where Gabrielle ordered a salad to go.  Nothing like Anthony's to get the salivary juices flowing!

Pain continues to be an issue, but we are trying to stay on top of it.  I have told her many times to let us know if she is in pain, and she replied that sometimes, she just doesn't think of it.  Talk about stoic!

We have indeed asked the hospice folks to come around and they will be here tomorrow for an "intake" and assessment of the situation.  We are all at peace with this decision, though that doesn't make it any easier to see her health slowly slip away.  But she is so strong and looks forward to an eternity without pain.  She told Renee yesterday that she could feels the arms of Jesus drawing her closer. 

I have asked her is she wanted me to read any e-mails or texts to her, and she said "not now".  She is in a pensive and reflective mood much of the time.  I will wait and read them to her later.  Feel free to continue to text or e-mail her.  We will get around to reading them to her when she is in the mood.

One problem with napping during the day, is that time gets a little confused.  We were downstairs watching TV and Gabrielle said she was ready for bed, though it was only 3:50.  We will try and keep her occupied till 7:00.  That appears to be her new bedtime.

Not much else to report on this end, but I know that she has many friends who love her dearly and I want to keep you in the loop as much as possible.  

Blessings all around!

1/10/19 Chemo is a "no go"

We got up quite early in order to make an 8:00 AM lab draw, then waited around till chemo appointment at 9:30.  Her nurse came out and got her all situated in the infusion bay and said that we were just waiting on the labs.  Fifteen minutes later, she came back and said that Gabrielle needed to go to the ER due to high potassium.  Sodium remains quite low as well.

What followed was a long discussion with her nurse and the gyn-onc fellow over the pros and cons of another ER trip.  Gabrielle got a pained look on her face at the thought of going to the ER or being admitted to the hospital and said repeatedly that she just wanted to go back home.  As such, we made a beeline out of there and plunked her down on the couch, where she is resting peacefully.  Though at this moment, Daniel is getting her propped up and is about to coax her into eating a little pho from our favorite place on Aurora.  Oh, and he got her some tater tots as well!  I may have to dig into those!

We have set the wheels in motion for hospice with a focus on keeping her as comfortable as possible.  She has told me many times over the years that when the days get miserable and are to be endured, then quality of life is pretty low.  I am sad to say that she (we) is at that stage.  Has said she is ready to leave this earth and "go home".  I am so glad that she has an eternal home to go to.  We want to make the trip as comfortable as possible.  

Yes, it looks like Gabrielle is on her "bell lap", which she wrote about a while back.  Nobody has fought longer, harder or with more determination than Gabrielle.  She continues to be thankful for little things and never gets annoyed (except when I hover).  She's a real trooper.  No wonder she has so many friends.

As always, thanks for your prayers, support and words of encouragement.

1/9/19 Six year anniversary today!!

Today marks six years since Gabrielle was diagnosed.  At that time, the five year survival was 20% tops.  She's beaten that!  Such a strong, strong fighter.  Nobody has been fighting harder than her.  So proud of her.

I just got off the phone with the scheduler, and they have her slotted to restart the Taxol tomorrow morning.  We are really hoping and praying that it will offer some help.  I don't think it would be helpful to try an unknown drug at this time, and Taxol has improved things in the past, so we'll see.

As for how she's doing, currently she's snoozing on the couch.  She got up at 7:00, which is about three hours early for her.  Was having abdominal cramps and pain.  Was also chilled.  She headed down to the living room where she planted herself on the couch with a heating pad and her "bucky heart" which is something filled with buckwheat that she nukes to keep things warm.  She has also had a couple of pain pills.  She has not had any interest in breakfast yet.

I am happy to report that for the past couple of days, she has been pretty "with it".  Enjoys reading texts and having e-mails read to her.  She is quite shaky with her fingers, so finds it hard to answer back.  The cough is a touch better.  Small things to be thankful for.

Oh, and just for fun, I thought I would toss in a picture of Gabrielle and Renee about 20 years ago.  Here they are, standing on the deck of our hotel on Maui, where we went for one of my "business trips".